Wednesday, December 30, 2009

My Chimichanga Diet!

Before my *Amazing* new diet plan, it's time to give away a DVD! Loretta (Rettakat), from Loretta's Journey has won the first DVD choice for her art in my Christmas give-a-way… after she chooses I will randomly pick the other person to choose from the one of the other two DVD’s in the reply sections from the post start until Christmas eve night.
I ended the year on a bang… unfortunately it was a buffet fest bang. I’ve gained a lot. I haven’t recorded it yet but will reluctantly step on that scale (I haven’t in a while) to officially record a wild gain at the beginning of the year. I think there is a few others out there that didn’t quite point the scales in the direction they would have liked. Hey, honestly I could have passed on a lot of that food… and I take responsibility for it. I can come up with all sorts of cool excuses, I could easily make it complex… but it is simple, I forgot about my chimichangas.
When I was “On” I had a simple plan, about 1500 calories a day… divided into several small meals. Moving, nothing complex for exercise, just actively doing something. Chinese food was on Mondays. Believe it or not my basic diet really was based loosely around chimichangas. Some boca burgers, and granola bars… trying to maintain a balance between carbs, fat, and protien… no weird radial stuff. I was trying to work in more veggies. Then I got cocky and arrogant. Look at the fitness genius and legend! I lost focus, forgot to keep track of what I was eating. I always forget I’m not bullet proof! Missed exercise opportunities. The simple plan worked… until I forgot the simple, to watch what I eat and move… How rocket science is that? Why is it so hard for myself and so many to get it? Somehow I started making it complex with excuses.
I partly started the blog to enjoy poking fun about how those diet gurus, pill pushers, and fitness machine maniacs make it so complex. and naturally build my own fitness empire as another small step to world domination too! I can’t help but feel most of those guys have those complex gimmicks for the single purpose of preying on people for their money. A monastic like myself should remember that essence isn’t complex. Somehow I temporarily forgot my own message. *Stay mindful, be aware, actively choose, just remember I have the power of the plate in how much I put on it or remove from it.* The Simple is not the complex.
I got some more chimichangas tonight and had one for dinner… Simple… call me the Jared of chimichangas, but somehow they are the keystone of this fitness journey.
At Foolsfitness it’s all about the Chimichangas!- Alan

Friday, December 25, 2009

I Could Not Inhale Air, but I was Happy!

Merry Christmas everyone! I have these shorts I keep on my bathroom door as a reminder of where I want to go in my resizing journey. Sometimes they come in handy when I want to gorge myself I just look at them, or even slip them on. At the beginning of the journey they would barely go up over my backside. Well the other day I sort of cheated and decided to see if I could buckle them up “under” the belly. I can officially say I got into those shorts before the end of the year!!!
Now there is some important information I’ve come across that I assume somehow that some chicks already know as I have seen some pretty tight jeans in my day on some ladies, but I’d like to pass along what I’ve picked up so far…
1) Keep that button on the waistband pointed away from people at all times. If it ever lets go under that kind of pressure someone loosing an eye is pretty much a given. Lets just say that I’m now thinking about getting a new television.
2) Never bend down. I’m not sure if there is a trick to sitting somehow in ultra tight garments… I think it involves some advanced breathing technique used by ancient dieters from Egypt who were expert exhalers. Enjoy lots of air before snapping them up, because inhaling just isn’t a good idea when if you are like me and trying to fit into pants 8 inches too small. I’m pretty sure that inhaling after buttoning them up wasn’t even an option.
3) As I mentioned about the inability of breathing. You’ve got a minute or so before you pass out… and those shorts if they are like mine are really hard (maybe even harder) to UNbutton so you might want a pair of scissors handy in reach to do some jaws of life can opener trick before you loose all feeling and hit the floor.
Ironically almost every family I know has somehow taken me out for Chinese food over the holidays. (Like I can say no anyway!) and eating under stress, and eating junk, and just eating everything in sight… lets say the new year will start a new weigh in with a sight reset. (Okay… major reset) BUT I FIT INTO THOSE SHORTS!!! (Kind-of…)
About the picture… I actually got elf pants given to me as a gift and they fit my Beenie baby sized Eeyore perfectly. I however have some work to do before they will fit me… or for that matter even remotely functioning in those shorts on my bathroom door either.
I’m still trying to take care of Christmas here, I haven’t forgot picking names for the DVD’s. I’m just trying to iron out those last holiday wrinkles and tie up those last few loose ends first.
A Foolsfitness Merry Christmas to all… and a Foolsfitness warning: “If your waist is eight inches more than the pants… you may not want to try it.” - Alan

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Attacked by Elves

Isn’t he adorable! My little elf was an early Christmas gift given to me by someone even more precious… thank you Elaine! There is a local doll company here called “Annalee dolls“. I've got a huge soft spot for cute teddy bears or little stuffed animals! I haven‘t even got my own Christmas shopping barely started and no decorations up… although I‘ve at least helped others do theirs, and it was nice spending time with them. Plus they got me Chinese food!!!
Sorry I haven’t posted as the norm. I’m being overwhelmed by life. I had to fill in for a service last minute for a pastor who is sick, I now have two classes I’m teaching, A couple of art projects going, inspecting (and repairing) my car, writing a newsletter article, and I’m trying to design a game that is similar to a miniature wargame and uses cards that isn’t about violence but in making Christian disciples that would draw the interest the youth of the church enough to play it while making it also useful for teaching about the Christian faith. (yeah that’s a big challenge but I‘ve got to find a way to reach out to them.) It short I’ve been flat out… burning the candle at both ends and it’s taken it’s toll. But after the first of the year it should mellow out a bit.
Plus loosing family and friends around this time of year… including two friends this year… it’s just a lot. I’ve had to cancel Christmas trip and skip appointments due to double booking the time in error. I sort of need to break myself into three when all I want to do is hide in my house. I don’t think I was really anywhere near 100 percent before all this to start with. There is even so much ice in my driveway that cars in park with the emergency brake on can slide down the hill. To top it off I cracked a piece of stained glass in an orniment I was making that took me hours… just as I was doing the last bit of solder. (Sorry, enough whining… here’s the facts about fitness)
As far as diet and exercise go, well I’m falling apart. I’m not putting any energy into watching what I eat… then stress eating and being loose on the go. Skipping workouts… gaining weight. I’ve got to refocus and get some priorities in line… if I can’t keep me together I can’t serve others well for long.
I guess this time is more emergency all hands on deck and just hang on. A new pastor comes in January, and I finish teaching two classes. Perhaps after all the storm I can really dwell on how I over commit and stress eat as well as not take time to focus and make priorities to my own health and well being. I feel like over the last two months I’ve gotten fitness demoralized. I even missed volleyball last night.
Don’t forget any reply before Dec 25th gets a chance at a dvd to be given away after Christmas. (see the post below this one for detials)
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. Maybe I can get some more interesting reading/ Artwork up before the big day… but no promises I may not be able to do at the moment.
At Foolsfitness we love the Lord Jesus Christ… however sometimes there feels like a bit of an evil buzz around the holiday time of Christmas almost if it‘s some kind of cover up conspiracy to try to hide the message of God‘s love for us. -Alan

Monday, December 7, 2009

Toon Tuesday Christmas Giveaway (YOU MIGHT WIN DVD PRIZE!)

Foolsfitness has a couple of DVD’s to give away to wish people a Merry Christmas! Enter at any and ALL blog posting(s) from this one to Christmas(but once per blog post) by just commenting with a reply gets you an automatic chance… right up to midnight Christmas eve. That’s right, check back often and leave a comment at EACH bog posting for yet another chance to win! I’ll pick two winners (one for art and one for general posting reply) just after Christmas. Here is details… 2 ways to enter:
FIRST, just leave a reply in the comment section as I mentioned. Tell me about something you love about Christmas, normally comment about the blog entry, Or just even just say hi. Only once per blog post I‘ll count, however you may post *EACH* blog post for a greater chance to win. I will consider any reply (one per post) between now and in any of my blog postings up to midnight of Christmas eve. The winner (chosen at random) will get to pick among one of the 2 DVDs not chosen by the Art winner. The Art winner gets first choice… hey, I’m an artist, I’m partial.
SECOND… because I’m an artist naturally I love art and want to encourage people to make some! Create some kind of art (drawing, painting, photography, sculpting, sewing, even a Christmas story…) as long as it is *newly made* and centers around the theme of “Christmas” in some way. Post it on your blog or somewhere and leave a comment in my replies with a link for me to see it. (my only real request here beyond it being 1) new and 2) loosely around Christmas theme and 3) Your art *not someone else’s* is that the Art be 4)*“family friendly”* in case younger viewers are also checking out your artwork) I’ll just pick amongst ones I like at the end for a winner of a DVD. Moreover that Winner gets pick among the DVD’s first. Even Moreover the moreover than that, you get to shamelessly promote your blog and or artwork! WOW! (ok… well at least it seems wow when I write this in the wee hours of the morning)
WHAT’S THE PRIZE??? Art winner gets first choice among three new DVD’s… Reply posting winner gets to choose among the other two left.
1) Billy Blanks TAE BO the strength within… believers workout
2) Latin Rhythm Workout by Kathy Smith… Hot Latin Sounds. Easy steps!
3) the RANDOM Black Box… You want to live on the edge, I’ll send you a surprise movie… just promise you’ll only watch it with low fat popcorn and diet soda!!!
DISCLAIMERS: I’m trying to make this simple and fun. I’ll ship worldwide as long as I can reasonably afford to. Um, if the DVD’s get abducted by aliens in shipment, damaged by fires started by zombie infestations, destroyed in some massive tsunami or I do before mailing them… My only excuse is I’m trying. Not everyone can win these, it’s just a game, you don’t need a DVD to reinforce the fact that you are a winner in much more important things already. Batteries not included. Some settling may occur. Professional driver on close track. Do not attempt at home. If winners don’t reply to notifications I’ll pick someone else… And any other disclaimers I forgot please insert here…X… Be reasonable!!! I’m trying to give away things here. I’m a vagabond artist not a lawyer Jim!
Ok, Happy Advent! Merry Christmas. Go easy on the Fruitcake.
At Foolsfitness we hate fruitcake and have banned it from our gyms. In fact we have fruitcake sensor checkpoints with fruitcake sniffing dogs at all entrances. -Alan

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Riots in Rockwell’s Dept 56 Christmas Village

You have God like powers when you set up those little ceramic houses for your Christmas village on your table or under the tree. One switch and you cut off power to a whole town! Should you choose, a little ceramic villager would be banished from the town for ever. Drunk with power yet?
I had the honor to set up a little ceramic dept 56 style village on a table complete with sheets of fake snow and down to even shrubs. The picture above is a shot taken by Ann (Thanks again for letting me play with your village!) after I set it up for her.
As the time passed while I was assembling the village I got a little over the top thinking about the community I was assembling. I had to ask her about what the main export of the village was, how they supported themselves. Then I thought about zoning… would people want a commercial enterprise like a bakery or antique shop next to a residential zone?! The town apparently has funding problems because they do not maintain the roads well… they are covered in snow.
Then my mind drifted toward thinking about the townspeople. This gentleman who delivers Christmas trees with his cart… what is his business during outside the holiday months. He obviously runs bootleg moonshine. In front of the Inn his wife is meeting another man for a rendezvous. That other man is a drinker, (the figure seems to fall down a lot) but he does pay attention to her more and makes her feel special. Little Jesse is a difficult youth, who pelts everyone with snowballs… and doesn’t play nice with his toys. A little girl is sitting next to the ice rink. Her mother is going to sue the town because her daughter fell down on a poorly maintained ice arena. The man who runs the antique shop has faulty wiring due to poor patch jobs, neglect, and jerry rigged electrical outlets… and he never shovels his walks or maintains his grounds.

During Thanksgiving vegetarian protesters marched around the tiny little ceramic village park trying to convince people to leave turkeys alone… I haven’t seen the little Christmas village in a few days, but I’m assuming there may shortly be looting and riots due to unemployment rates skyrocketing and the village bakery being a monopoly food supplier deciding to profiteer by charging ten dollars a loaf of bread. (Do the people who make ceramic villages make ceramic national guard troop figures and equipment? We may need to send them in an declare martial law at some point… I‘m thinking I should get her at least a little ceramic tank that‘s equipped with ceramic tear gas launchers ) Yeah, I got a bit of an imagination. (Next time I visit I may bring a plastic Godzilla figure with me to attack the village!!!)
We get to at least have a large part in building the ceramic villages of our own lives though. While we may not foresee everything we get to pick to a large part of what goes on that table or not. Moreover how it’s organized on that table too. I may need to do a bit of maintenance, as some of my figures have fallen over… regaining smoking or loss of watching what I eat. Perhaps that dusty “gym” ceramic house needs to get cleaned up and back on the table. I may need to plow my roads. Moreover, rezone the bakery… or shut it down due to levied back taxes? My caloric tax budget definitely… well lets just say there is a lot of pork in my spending? My own little village is almost at the point where I need to declare martial law.
AWARD! Foolsfitness has been awarded the “Superior Scribbler Award” Thanks to Katie J It has some rules but I have a huge inability to follow directions. Moreover the thing that is curious to me is if they are awards, it doesn’t seem like you should have to do so much… it’s like having to buy stuff to get a “free gift”. I do thank her. I do also have my own “Foolsfitness UNcommon Sense Award” (with no strings attached) in the works to give out hopefully soon…
Rettakat suggested (challenged?) a “Toon Tuesday” post… I thought I’d post this for fun. My drawing started on paper and was colored digitally. It’s loosely inspired by a comic called “Mouse Guard” I was reading lately.

I guess I was thinking how I’ve been feeling that I am facing some pretty large foes… and if you’re a mouse against a monster )or turkey?) you’re going to need to bring a matchstick cannon! (Click on the image and again and it might get bigger. Or not… haven’t figured out image sizing yet.) Oh, consider visiting her at and congratulating her on her recent 100 pounds off mark!!! WOW!
Making Cute Ceramic Christmas villages frightening is just the Foolsfitness way!- Alan

Monday, November 30, 2009

Please Stand by…

I haven’t posted in a bit due to going away for the holiday (Thanksgiving) and now I’m trying to catch up on just basic chores and work… also trying to just catch my wind here. So the normal style postings should be back in the works soon.
Yes, I ate way too much… now 312.5 for like a 9 pound gain over the last two weekends… I’ve hovered in these 12 pounds (up and down) since about the end of September. I must have lost and gained these last few pounds about 7 times!!! I even started smoking again… Tomorrow starts December… I hate to say beginning tomorrow, so I will say beginning now I’m going to try to regain some focus.
I’ve been trying to capture that essence that makes this not just a numbers game but a total life redesign. Lately my thoughts have been dwelling on the idea that it isn’t an “all or nothing” thing… but just small refinements that make me just a little more (or less depending on your point of view) I’m not sure what the word I wan is… maybe more refined, defined, closer to my essence. While the goal is to shed all the excess baggage (weight and all the other life un-essentials) it’s so easy to fall back into old ways or get distracted and off path.
I wonder if it’s for everyone who drops a “lot” of weight that it isn’t about focus on the pounds at all really, as it seems to be a set up for failure to just go through the motions… but there is a core need to dig into the depths and look into the abyss. AT least for me it seems like one of the most difficult things I have ever attempted. I know I am exhausted. I could make excuses about how it’s a bad time of year with loosing my family, or the added pressures of my work, or loss of friends passing away recently… but I guess the core of it is today the stuffing won and also the stuffing is being beaten out of me, and I‘m trying to beat the stuffing out of myself (and frankly I‘m not sure if that is the good or bad stuffing) …… Maybe tomorrow will be different.

So "please stand by" as Foolsfitness is having some technical difficulties...
Insert cute and witty foolsfitness signoff here… Alan

Monday, November 23, 2009

Being an Evil Mastermind is Hard

I think we can learn from evil masterminds as they want to take over the world, we want to take over the world of our own personal bodies. Did you ever notice the evil mastermind in how they are genius, yet at the same time have no wisdom? They usually have this incredibly complex and creative plan for world domination which if you plan to take over the world you, I assume, should have.
Yet I think their flaw is in continued focus. Once the great plan is enacted, they go back to their favorite hobbies. What are evil mastermind’s favorite hobbies you ask? I think they have two.
The first is laughing manically. I’m wondering if the being evil thing is getting a bad wrap. Most of the bad guys, now I’m not taking of the run of the mill thugs but the costume wearing thug employers who are card carrying members of the “Union of Anti-Superheroes” here, are very jovial guys. They have taken private lessons from Santa Claus when they were children on how to laugh from the belly and not just giggle like the common man. They may have some kind of certificate of completion in laughology, I’m not certain. I know I laugh well... but I'm a natural.
Their second favorite hobby has to be a two-fold hobby. They need to come up with some very cool super weapon including a very cool name for it… Personally I’ve been working on a name for my own… how does “The Buelizer Ray” sound? Sorry, I digress… Then they need to capture a superhero, and being a good nemesis they should threaten him, tell him the complete plan and how it will decimate the universe in general. … (capturing the heroes girlfriend is optional, in spite of that common belief… see the manual under “Proper Procedures of World Domination Plans” ) Then they go back to laughing and have some tea.
As I mentioned their flaw is in lack of continued focus… they go have tea, some laughing and forget to monitor the plan. There is a need to watch the superheroes more so they don’t get loose and mess everything up that was so hard to put in motion! You may know where I’m running with this.
Last Friday I check in a weight of 303.5 for another loss! About 3 pounds off since last time. Over the weekend, you see, being evil I needed to reach my maniacal laughing quota… and naturally forgot to keep an eye on the plan, by grazing mindlessly on brownies and late night goodies. I might tell you that Monday’s weight was up *severely* but I won’t post it because I am evil after all…My normal Monday weigh in number I choose to ignore because being evil I’m not limited by the restraints of reality… at least for a while. Never the less, if I keep laughing manically for much longer… lets just say I’m losing henchmen even now while I continue to not pay attention. They are currently disarming the Buelizer Ray even now while I’m having this here donut and cinnamon roll with my tea.
Being a super villain is hard. I need to remember to pay attention most all the time. Maybe we all do? Plus even in the bad economy do you have any idea how much the rent is on a good evil head quarters? When will I ever learn that I get too confident, drop the ball, and then try to eat all those plates of food at the “All You Can Eat Evil Buffet“? But it’s not my fault! I got distracted by my new cape… I love how it billows around me as I walk menacingly about and it’s so soft at 80 percent cotton/20 percent silk too!
At Foolsfitness our world domination schemes have been foiled again, but just wait until next time!!! Oh, wait Thursday is Thanksgiving and with all that yummy stuffing… well just wait until the time after next time! Muhuhahahaha! -Alan

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Tea for 2

Why is $19.95 so much cheaper than 20 dollars? it just somehow seems so much less even though its 5 cents! I’m looking toward the *under* 300 pound goal (I’m getting so close! Of course every time I say that I seem to blow it) I think it might be a hoot to have “Tea for 2“ treat... There is some huge psychological hurtle between 300 something and 299 even if its just a couple of pounds. I’m thinking the treat is a real *new* fancy tea pot and some tea balls and loose tea.
I use to have a “cozy” which is as pathetic as it sounds… a blankie for your tea pot to keep it warm to let the tea steep. I’ve been on a massive tea kick. I got a used tea pot. I also have several sampler packs of black teas. I have had a complete ritual to making tea. You boil water in the kettle first starting with sharp cold water. After the water is boiling (active…not boiled past tense) and then rinse out the tea pot to heat the tea pot up… then pour in boiling water into the tea pot, gentle over the bags (Yeah I’m crazy when I freak out to the point about not bruising the tea leaves). … and then put the cozy over the tea pot to let it steep. Tea is not made in 10 seconds… it must steep!!! Yeah, I need a hobby or something and less caffeine huh…
Lots of stuff going on:
*Officially I have now eaten several vegetables including that spaghetti squash I mentioned about in my last blog… or the thing I loving refer to as “the alien pod“. Also get this… a visit to KFC (Kentucky Fried Chicken) and the total order was a grilled chicken breast. I use to consume twice as many calories in soda alone in past visits!
*I did the whole volleyball thing once more complete with the Spiderman impersonations and the bloody knee again. This time is my team rocked. I had a serving run of 10 points before the other team scored, I also scored a winning serve to finish one of the games off. I even got compliments on my serve!
* “The Fools Fitness Fellowship” group that I started at my church is growing. Some of the stuff I’ve been able to pull together about nutrition from various sources I’ve found on the net has been cool. I also have been playing games like guess the calories and this one you have got to try… fill a pitcher with water and pour out what you believe is one cup (8 ounces) of water into a bowl. Now take that bowl and pour it into a measuring cup. I’d suggest putting something under the measuring cup because my group poured sometimes 2 cups or even a bit more in the attempt!!! I love the group… I’m learning as I teach, and it’s keeping me on track better too. This week I’ve got a caloric poker bluff game planned where people will have caloric menus and try to up the stakes up to certain caloric and fat levels.
* I’ve gone a few days without Chinese food!!! I don’t want to be afraid of it by hiding from it, but I also want to illustrate to myself that I have the choice within me to say no to it for a while. I planned my pledge for a week ending this Friday and I am a man of my word… then I will choose to either enjoy some then or wait longer.
*That two hundred something mark is going to be so incredible for a bizarre reason that maybe lighter folks don‘t even consider. My bathroom scale maxes out at 300. I can’t weigh myself at home! I get “EEEE” yup I seem to frighten my scale! Like I don’t know it’s an “error” to weigh over 300 pounds already!
*Another odd thing that lighter folk may not think about. This is crazy I know but I got really freaked last night as I felt a bone in the joint of my wrists. I was kind of concerned at first… I mean I don’t remember seeing that there!!! I have honestly not seen my wrist bones in so long… wow. I have wrists! There are lots of little things that you can really appreciate as you drop weight from being very large. Tying your shoes. Zipping up a flight of stairs. Getting in and out of your car easier. Just *finding* clothes that fit you, never mind in the style you want… just even ones that *fit*!
*I’m working on whole life balance. From the food end in eating more mindfully in portions and in nutrition. Financial working on cutting out the debt. Fitness finding sane enjoyable activities loosely referred to exercise that I’ll do and repeat. Teaching and preaching occasionally… Now something enjoyable… maybe drawing just for fun without a client in mind. Or amusing myself with a subject without finding the need to study it. Working out sane schedules. I haven’t really taken a real day off in a while. I have honestly in my whole life never gone on a vacation over like a weekend stay. Maybe that will be a treat goal near the goal of 12 percent body fat way on down the line… to take a week and really go someplace just for fun sake, not for business, learning, the church, somebody, or any reason other than I want to go and enjoy it. I appreciate my passion and zeal, but I also need to learn moderation… in multiple things, to find some sane happy middle point.
At Foolsfitness we want our workout music in our gyms from people like the B-52’s and Prince because they ooze style! Oh, and that Willy Wonka Oompha Loompa song!- Alan

Monday, November 16, 2009

Finding an Alien Pod

Log entry 21...The approximately 5 pound specimen currently resides in my ice box as I am unaware what action to take next. Oh that I had the wherewithal to show this abomination to the authorities, yet my fear unhinges me that I would be placed in protective custody in a ward for those whom have touched minds. As to the exact manner of this creature I am perplexed… even perhaps to some hallucination. Had I not have my wits about me I would take to fancy, considering the possibility that I may have a dragon egg in my presence.
Perhaps it would be best to begin with details of my expedition of this tangled tale into the uncharted land named by the natives as Aisle One. Myself and my companion had geared up for the journey well, my cigarette case was full with PEZ. Each pouch in the vest of my well made traveling garb sported two candy bars. I held a frozen pizza as a shield cautiously before me… my colleague bore two gallons of sweetened ice tea and was the best sort of company by merely offering escort into this vast unknown Yet my escorts stomach quickly soured, hindered by little scruples of conscience and alas... I was left to fend for mine own self.
Upon rounding a corner mine eye’s were blinded by a plethora of colors far surpassing a fancy dress ball, it‘s ostentation overwhelmed my being and was only dwarfed by the assault on my olfactory senses. Keeping ceremony to a minimum, treading lightly and fast of foot I pressed on to procure a sample of one of these alien pods. Hark! Looking down I noticed already some man of science had labeled this thing “Spaghetti Squash 0394” with a small round tag affixed underneath.
It is not courteous nor well to prejudice others by my writings that indicate the utmost correlation of the inseparable duo of vegetables and the utter lack of well being of the spirit. If I am to be a fine figure of a gentleman, well bred, one of education and good taste, even the epitome of propriety and good manners… I would have to experience world travel including Aisle One, including its fruits and vegetables.
I have since expanded my horizons with this world cuisine…. *AHEM… YUP, I ATE A VEGETABLE!* I admit to paying a ode to Verne and H. G. Wells. I adore classic literature. I don’t however adore vegetables… to the point I think I can coun’t my vegetable choices for the last month on a single hand, but who knows, in time that may change.
I started a few days back with a can of spinach. It was a riot as it had apparently sat in my pantry for a while. It was expired about 2 years back in 2007. I ate it anyway, because I am the fool in fools fitness. I’ve got a new tea pot and have been “drinking heavily” with it. I got fixated on an ice cream kick for a bit but today I weighed at 306.5 for a -7.5 pound drop! It’s been a bit chaotic for the last month or so but this is the lowest recorded point in the blog! I’m not sure if the wild shifts are water or clothes, I’m sure there has been some stress eating in the past too but -36.5 pounds off since the start… I like that. I like that a lot. I just want to say it a couple more times and relish in it -36 pounds gone! -36 pounds weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Did Foolsfitness mention 36.5 pounds is gone? That number again is thirty six and one half pounds!-Alan

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

What I learned at the checkout.

“Did you find everything you were looking for today?“ I got into a discussion with a checkout woman who was trained to say this. I have personally worked for a store in the past that had a sign in the back room that actually said, “Make every decision count to maximize sales and profit”… maybe a little Karma came back on them as they are out of business today as the consumers realized that the store needed to be cut from the customers bottom line huh? It’s common for checkout people to have to push some “item of the day”.
There is a war going on, but this one isn’t so obvious… in that it has much more going on under the surface. People want you to buy stuff, that’s simple. But there are psychologists, marketing groups, teams, even cult behavior experts all studying how they can win you over to their side to buy their stuff. I have to ask to be put on a do not call list so marketers won’t call my house. I have to find my newspaper through all the ads. I have to find my news under all the spin. I’m constantly asking myself when I hear anything now “What do they want? What are they selling?“ I’m pretty sure that they don’t even just want your money at this point… they want *YOU*.
Before you think I’m going all mass conspiracy theory on you I’m even going to amp it up another notch. I’m wondering what would happen if I could tap into that juggernaut and use it for good instead of evil. Please don’t misunderstand me, I think companies should make some money… But I’m wondering if there is a way that we can harness this marketing machine somehow to sell ourselves *US*. Because we are worth it. YOU are way more impressive than any of those 19.95 plus shipping and handling plastic gismos… I want to really buy me enough to make the “easy” payments of the sensible portions and the workouts. (I’m planning to come up with a serious marketing plan to sell myself me… maybe I can come up with something to share too that might help you want to buy yourself too)
So I’d like to introduce today the most amazing product ever… YOU. Ah, asking what does this product do is a very good question! Well *YOU* can be amazing. First, with proper care YOU can give a lifetime of service. BUT my friends by using our easy multiple payments plan of consistent movement and food intake choices you can opt to up to the value pack… which includes extra longevity, ability to move easier with being less winded, and much more… Act now! This is a limited time offer! Besides, if you’re not happy with the results you can just gain the weight back.
I want you to want you. Remember that you are not the “item of the day“ but the item of a lifetime! Act now…
I guest posted at Mizfit last week and thought I should share a link if you’d like to check it out…
See! Because you acted now you got a free post to read! What an incredible bonus!
Foolsfitness would like to remind you that *YOU* are the value pack worth the extra cost!- Alan

Monday, November 9, 2009

I need Style. What’s In or Out, Hot or Not?

I always get a kick out of seeing those tabloid magazines on the racks at the checkout. Actress somebody”s Fashion flop! You are not wearing those are you?! Those were soooo 5 minutes ago!
What is your style? How have you changed, or are evolving now? Remember the eighties? Did you have the puffy mullet hair or preppy upturned collar shirts with an alligator on the pocket? Maybe it was Huey Lewis and the News with some Michael J Fox… back to the future for you? In a way I’ve never really left the eighties. I still listen to the B-52’s. I’m not retro… I never left. I tried shopping for some new “hip” clothes last weekend. I did get a vest, but really got overwhelmed and just got a new mug for my tea.
I still consider matching my socks by the goal of “two clean ones”. My house has a early thrift store décor. I can’t say that any of my furniture matches, nor do I own two of the same of any dishes or cups. If there were a black hole of contemporary style… it would center over me. I’m not saying I don’t have style, just not the “in” style. I think my style has something to do with wearing old style hats and going to Chinese food buffets. It also apparently has to do with sweat pants… I have lots of those.
If you are serious about the journey, being getting more fit and/or getting rid of some excess baggage you must see some style changes? I’ve seemed to hit a weight plateau where I drop to a certain point and then bounce around it up and down. I think it’s really *style warfare*. The old way me and the newer me are in a tug-of-war of change verses the status quo. I’m not really sure who the me is here. How are you changing, evolving, or what are you struggling with? Here is my list:
Regular Soda is out. Diet soda is being replaced more by tea.
Eating out of the bag is gone. No more endless grazing without thought to intake.
I am now a label loony. I need to know what a serving is and how many and what calories it contains. I am much more aware how much I am eating (Even when I’m eating way too much I‘m more conscious of it)
The Chinese food dragon, he rages stronger! For some reason somehow I end up still eating too much at the buffet and even more often as the journey continues. I need to master one day walking into the buffet place and having a single reasonable plate of food… with some of the plate still visible. I have walked away from a little food on the plate so it’s progress, the problem is that it’s always been the second plate that had been heaped up. I will get this.
Still struggling with portions, but now “a pizza” is not “a serving” again, moderation isn’t really in my vocabulary… but I’m trying to experiment recreationally with it. I’ve made some steps but they need to be more consistent.
Candy bars no longer really interest me (Honest!) That’s weird. I use to be nuts for peanut M+M’s too but not really now. I got through all Halloween with a single small pumpkin candy. Maybe it’s because I eat granola bars sometimes. Caloric wise they are somewhat close, but I think have a bit more nutrient dense mix in them.
Chips out. I do some rice cakes (but only the flavored ones). I used to be a Doritio eating machine.
I have become obsessed with chimichungas and pierogies. I think part of it is the simple prep in the microwave. Plus beyond my personal taste for them I think the former has a good mix of a bit of everything. The peirogies rock at having six for 340 calories and the fat is nearly nill at 40 calories.
I still am freaked around vegetables. The only basic way I have them is in V-8... If at all.
I’ve learned from experience as two different friends have passed away over a week that I can be a huge emotional eater. I’ve made some progress with this reminding myself that food doesn’t fix it… but this week was just a mess and I didn’t convince myself of that fact well at all… 5.5 pound gain! 314. Yet I can’t blame others, or make excuses… well I could but the truth is I can do way better. I know. I have done worse but I know I have in me the ability to do far better. No matter what it is, its not a good excuse. Food is fuel. To be enjoyed, but not for the sake of enjoyment.
I’ve made some progress even among set backs. It’s not an all or nothing deal. It bothers me to gain some pounds back, but hopefully I’m gaining the wisdom from the experience this time too. So it’ stands at about 29 pounds off since the start.
So the next goals I think need to be to really focus more on portions and lock in some better balance in what I’m eating, along with long term consistency. Wow I’m like rocket scientist brilliant here huh? So I got to learn what I needed to learn from the beginning pretty much…
Wisdom of Foolsfitness says that when one looses a pound… it is best to not celebrate with a pound of food.- Alan

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Why can’t they just sit on park benches?

I’m not sure if those so called “Zen Masters” impress me. They are always up on some tall mountain or off in the vast wasteland desert… If Zen is about being at peace and shedding all your desires, as “want” is the vessel to suffering all that stuff, why can they be content just sitting on a park bench someplace? Aren’t they wasting lots of energy and time to get to tops of mountains when they should really learn contentment? Also, if they desire t shed their wants and desires isn’t that really a desire too? They are stuck in some eternal conundrum like one of those white faced mimes in invisible boxes. Then they have to punish themselves for the whole thing by sitting in those pretzel positions and try to convince themselves they are a flower. Again, if they are so free from want and desire why can’t they just lay down or even just lean on a wall.
GUESS WHAT I DID!!! Today I tried to do my Spiderman impression, flying upside down and sideways through the air with arms and legs flailing in every direction. In my superhero training I need to learn how to land. I had to check for blood twice. Have you ever seen one of those week old bruised apples? That’s my whole body. Even my eyelashes hurt. I got hit in the head, scratched my knee, and my hands and forearms are red in pain… I short, I loved it. As I write this I’ve pretty much lost all sensation in my body. I’ve achieved that Zen state of an outer body experience.
Was I training to be a ninja? No, I played some serious volleyball. Not the kid family get together kind, but the set to the center and jumping and spiking and blocking… sliding on the floor, the ignoring minor flesh wounds kind! In short, I loved it. I may need to remind myself of this fact tomorrow when I can’t get out of bed… hey, I am an all or nothing kind of guy not doing anything lightly. I am not an organ donor because I seriously plan to use up every bit of my body I can before I die. Embrace the chaos! Thrash the life out of life! Don’t mind me I’m still on the euphoric high from all the endorphins as my body is freaking out shaking madly. I’ll just say I played with passion.
I also lost *every* single game. G. K. Chesterton mentioned once something along the lines that it’s great to see someone who loves something enough to do it badly. Intensity is one of my trademarks… so is, loosing apparently… But, “ I’ll stop when I can’t lift my arms or pass out thanks.”
I was thinking about being in that “Zen” zone in workouts. People talk about machines that do whole body workouts, circuit training, options for aerobics classes in the newest fad… be it playing with big bouncy balls rolling around on the floor with them or pretending to be a ninja in kick boxing but what is the best workout? I think it just might be the one that you do and keep doing. It’s got to be the workout you enjoy and don’t see it as torment because you are less likely to do it again right? If you like to walk then walk, or bike, or what ever it is. Don’t freak out that someone someplace is more of a “fat burning machine” getting a “whole body workout” that is better than yours… because I figure the one you enjoy you will stick with and you maybe even might put in more than the 20 minutes a day three times a week mantra.
I think people need to come to terms with the fact they may never be a size 4 or a superhero. Others are not your measuring stick! You are improving you not making you someone else entirely. I may not be the next superhero fighting 5 criminals at once then leaping from rooftop to rooftop… but maybe someday I’m going to block a spike in volleyball. Well, I need to go pass out now.
At Foolsfitness we always check for minor flesh wounds and/or bleeding after our workouts.- Alan

Monday, November 2, 2009

10 Percent Off Alan and Favorite Post Celebration

It’s official! This weeks -1.5 pound drop makes -34.5 pounds off ! THAT IS 10% OFF ME!!! Join in the sale because this fat must go! Buy a pound, get a pound free! My current special is 2 pounds I’ve had on my hip since High School thanks to Mac and Cheese! Yes folks, you will be seeing “less” of me!
How’d I do it? Well last week there was the pizza, fettuccini alfredo, Chinese food, oh and don’t forget the Halloween chocolate! I know, you're thinking have I've been inhaling too many fumes off my sweaty gym clothes… Seriously, it’s all about the developing Foolsfitness Philosophy of actively choosing by free will to be mindful of nutritional needs, aware of portions, the safe movement of the body, and taking the power of the plate. No fad diets, no 5 minute workout machines, no guilt, there are no good or bad magic foods, no weird supplements or drugs! The diet and fitness industries’ “common” sense… well, lets just say I think it’s time for some “Fools Fitness UNcommon Sense”!
Welcome to some new friends who have recently found my blog and so I would like to invite everyone to look around… take the tour, have a cookie! To all who read I hope you have a laugh, and join me on the adventure. Lets walk the journey together. Here is a few posts I have enjoyed writing that you may have missed or might want to check out or re-read.
My secret 5 minute workout machine can be found here:
My Amazing PEZ diet plan! I love PEZ candy and their dispensers!
If you’ve followed my blog for very long you know my love for Chinese Food Buffets. I thought I’d write about how to eat more and more food:
What Squirrels have taught me:
I tripped over my own arrogance on the treadmill here
And remember at Foolsfitness you too can loose weight quickly and easily by wearing lighter clothes!- Alan

Friday, October 30, 2009

Smurf Infestation on My Blog!

My Foolsfitness Gnome mascot came down with S1N1 (Smurf Flu) It makes him blue and he sings “LA la la la la la” over and over. I’m fumigating the Blog… clearing out Rabid Gerbil infestations and Rogue Zombies. I may need to guest post someplace while the blog airs out from the flea bomb.
I’ve got a bit of “housekeeping” to do. Thanks to Jo and ant girl I now have three more blog awards I need to post up. I want to say thanks but more than that, I want to keep the right to have them up… by continuing posts that earn their honor.
I’ve got to teach a class tonight and I’ve been busy with a funeral of a close friend. So forgive this unusual format and unpolished nature of this post.
The three awards for my blog have been given to me by Jo at and antgirl of Thank you! I’ve been working on a “Foolsfitness Uncommon Sense Award” that I will be sharing on a limited basis from time to time to honor blogs and folks who have a special unique quality. Somehow the industry has “common sense” that pushes 5 minute workout machines, fad diets, and weird supplements or magic pills. Foolsfitness says if this is common sense of the experts… it’s time for some *Uncommon* sense. It will be *Coming Soon*. Keep on the lookout for an upcoming “Foolsfitness Uncommon Sense Award”
Foolsfitness doesn’t follow directions well or color within the lines. Some Blog awards have lots of rules, and we figure if it’s an award it’s free and it shouldn’t come with more work right? But I like Gorgeous Blog Award that suggests sharing six things people may not know about you, so here they are:
1) I’m a Certified Lay Speaker for the United Methodist Church and a Roman Catholic too. Just imagine Foolsfitness preaching in some church somewhere on some Sunday. Freaky? Funny? Cool? Frightening? You decide!
2) I have two degrees. However, I have known people who *didn’t* graduate high school that have far more wisdom than some piece of paper can ever claim you have.
3) I’ve done some work as an artist… I’ve sold a design meant for a business card that was the size of a stamp and I’ve also done a mural that was 15 feet long. I’ve sculpted, painted, drawn, and have done computer art. I’ve even made Rosaries. How’s that for artistic range!
4) I use to have two gerbils (they passed away) that actually had American Gerbil Society pedigree papers showing their lineage and purebred status. (Seriously…no joke)
5) I love to read and study. If I take interest in some odd topic I tend to become a zealot wanting to know as much as possible about it. For example, this has led me to know some of the history of PEZ candy and how to carbonate soda.
6) My goals include to become a personal trainer and work in a gym. I hope as a real guy who fights weight I will be able to relate better to real folks than all those “fit all of their life” jocks. I’d also like to bring some “Uncommon” sense into the fitness world. I’d also like to own a yellow FJ Cruiser sometime in my life and a small cabin with a farmers porch complete with rocking chairs in a sleepy little town.
At Foolsfitness we would like to endorse the greatest weight loss and fitness product ever! You all ready have it… look in the mirror. If you are really in it for you, if you have decided you are going to be in your corner for real, for being more, for being all in the journey, for being more healthy in a safe way with out all the gimmicks… You will see incredible results that is better than any magic pill, fad diet, or 5 minute workout machine. - Alan

Monday, October 26, 2009

My Cereal Talks to Me and I fired a guy today

I had to fire one of my staff today. I gathered the boys, my trusted council, at the normal place… the little dog guards the door ready to tell us to run for the boarder if trouble comes. The crazy guy in the toga watches him checking in everybody… he always picks the same passwords, “Pizza pizza” Like I said he’s got some kind of brain damage. I think his grandfather was in the war.
I look around me at my booth. It looks like every one is here, Pig tails, the clown, King, That Chinese General, and Pappy Gino. My other guys too, plus my new enforcer Foolsfitness. Excuses opens up the meeting, “The Big Boss is looking at the numbers, He don’t like the returns. But I know you all did your best, we had some trouble with some situations last week. ”
The clown slams a red gloved hand on the table… “Do you know how many guys I’ve lost here? Let’s just say the numbers are supersized. For what gains? Then Foolsfitness starts making waves with our friends that we have alliances with. Clean plate club ain’t happy. You’re breaking Bubbles heart… she say you don’t want her normal soda first and now don’t even drink a lot of the stuff without the sugar in it. You don‘t like her or Candy now? Come on boss, Candy is sweet. She‘s got wonderful bars.”
Pappy Gino looks at the cup of tea in front of him and shrugs his shoulders, “Yeah, what’s with this stuff eh? Foolsfitness thinks he can walk in here and tell my boys not to do their rounds with the car? How it’s a good day for a bike ride or enjoy some fresh air. I’ll give you some fresh air, right here you little freaky looking Richard Simmons clone!” He starts to reach for a doughy breadstick.
A odd looking guy takes off a cheap tin crown and tosses it to the table. “You can’t expect me to keep things going easy for you this way. You know to keep things nice and safe, status quo level…. If I can’t keep getting burgers for my boys. They get fed and they expand the nice safe secure place here. They build the walls around us real good. Think of the castle here. Who knows what’s out there. Think of poor red pigtails, she‘s a frightened little one. We got to play it nice and safe and protect ourselves.”
“A wall barrier defense system is a sound military stragity that has worked for ages.“ A old man’s voice trembles as he rises leaning heavily on his cane, “The walls have protected us so far.”
Excuses looks sad looking around, a tear coming to his eye and he raises his hands in confusion. Before he speaks Foolsfitness literally shoves him down back in his chair. ”So you want advice from a guy who wears big red shoes and too much mascara, Some guy who thinks he’s a king… of sandwiches? A bright red haired little girl with pigtails? The only guys I think I really like here at all are the one who thinks he’s Mark Twain… at least he’s got an excuse of being older than dirt and General what’s his name from China. What if the threat isn‘t really out there. ”
A few people look around and take a hopeful sigh… but the Chinese general bows to Foolsfitness and says, ”Ah… Until you master your fear, fear will be your master.” Pappy Gino shakes his head and reaches for the bowl of fortune cookies near the General and hurls them across the room.
Foolsfitness holds up a hand. “What if the enemy is within? Is this your journal Excuses? Why haven’t you spent more time getting us to meetings when you see these chances that we could take over so many territories? Time after time you just give in? Give up? What?”
“I thought it was risky. Everyone likes it when I play it safe! No one gets hurt that way. “
“Look at these pictures.” Foolsfitness lays then out on the table for all to see. Picture after picture of what’s outside the walls. Some of the possibilities are amazing enough to literally numb the mind.
“You are getting hopes up. None of those are a given.” Excuses flails at the pictures angrily, “Do you have any idea how many resources we’d have to deploy to even think about taking over some of those territories!? You’re insane. You‘re the new guy… you ain‘t even proven yourself. You can‘t promise nothing!”
“Here’s 33 pounds of proof. It would have been a full 10 percent take off, but Boss, you see that Excuses has been skimming the take.” Foolsfitness plops down a huge bag of lard. “Trust me boss, you take this and get off some more then offer alliances to those people in the other territories and you’ll laugh at what some group like the clean plate club offers in comparison.”
The boss seems preoccupied looking at the surveillance photos and artist rendition possibilities pictures… he studies two closely and puts them in his coat pocket. “Foolsfitness take Excuses’ position at the table for a trial period and lets see what you can really do if I give you a few guys, take that psycho chuahua dog and the crazy kid in the toga and go shake some of these places down.”
***The END?… *** of course not! I want to talk to you about my cereal, it says: “Some settling may occur, sold by weight not by volume.” Someone wrote in their blog the other day that they were no longer the biggest person in the room. I’m almost certain I WILL ALWAYS BE the biggest person in the room. I don’t want to settle or be sold by weight…. I may drop some weight but my ego is huge… I will always be the biggest person in the room. I want to be sold by the weight and volume of my ego.

Take that you League of Extra Ordinary Fat Man! I’m coming, and I gots me a few guys. The new kid in town is hungry and moving in on your territories.

At Foolsfitness it’s a hoot being us… it‘s a bit like living in a comic book- Alan “the Big Boss”

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

NO Diet! The MORE IS BETTER Fools Fitness Plan

What if “more” really is seriously better!!! I know your thinking I’m trying to trick you, but the Foolsfitness philosophy is growing to become that “more” is actually better. I’m slowly discarding the loosing weight and diet idea…. And I honestly think you should too. Please consider reading on.
I just bought a DVD pack of 23 hours of Kung Fu for five dollars. Americans want more. Bigger houses, bigger cars, and more stuff. We collect so much stuff we need to make space to store the stuff. Companies actually make money storing other peoples stuff. I have a warehouse membership card to a superstore supermarket where I can buy 2 gallon containers of salsa. We thrive on more is better!!! We even have credit cards so we can live on tomorrow’s “more” right now today!
Here it is folks. The idea of loosing weight and a diet, I honestly think are wrong. In fact I don’t think they are really healthy concepts at all. It’s taken me a while to reach this and it does sound bizarre but hear me out here… I do actually in real life have two degrees. MORE IS BETTER. The straight of it is your actually having a whole lot less than you should be healthy having! How’s that for “Un”common sense?
We who are overweight are honestly having so much less than we should consume… THAT’S the problem. Diets are the problem. Loosing weight is the problem. Really! They are flawed concepts that go against our nature.
So here it is. What’s the first three letters in DIET? Yup. When you think diet you think about all the things you need to sacrifice and things you need to give up. What if we are already on a diet now and don’t even know it? What we are currently sacrificing is our physical health. We are giving up leading full lives. We are fasting from the total of what life has to offer! A diet is negative. I want a LIVIT I have no interest in loosing weight, again that’s the idea of negative. I’m trying to *GAIN* freedom to run up 3 flights of stairs, have normal and healthy days, with a normal and healthy job, and maybe… just maybe… even a normal and healthy relationship with someone somewhere where ever they are. Wouldn’t it be awesome if thirty years from now I’m sitting on some farmers porch in a rocking chair next to that woman. I don’t want to die-it I want to Live-it. It's not anything about less... I have the less now!!! I want more!
Most of us like a good deal… sales rock, because getting value rocks. We know it! Foolsfitness is hoping very soon to have his 10 percent off sales celebration. That 34 pounds is in sight. That isn’t a loss, it’s really a huge gain! When that sale hits it’s going to be wild… but Crazy AL’s discount days may slash off even more. It’s going to be a deal that someone special if I can find her and convince her… she hopefully won’t be able to pass it up. It just might be the deal of a lifetime!
Foolsfitness reminds you that “life” itself is the buffet table. It’s all you can eat… don’t just settle for the breadsticks and ice water at your table. Get up and check it out!!! Forget the “diet“ and get a “Live-it“ More is Better Foolsfitness plan!!! Have your own sale too because value rocks! - Alan

Monday, October 19, 2009

Jester’s Bag #1 Fellowship Prayer + Gnome Bodyguard

Don’t worry. The Gnome will watch it. But the Gnome and I have to start trusting each other! OK, Let me back up so you have a small clue to what I’m rambling about. But first, something new to the blog!!!
Does anyone really know what to expect when the court jester Fool reaches into his bag?
*NEW* Any blog post titled with a “Jester’s Bag” will be a bit more random, perhaps a bit less about the whole weight thing. I’ve decided to have an occasional posts that have a bit more random subjects that strike whim. Don’t worry, normal fools fitness posts (well are any of them really normal posts anyway?) will continue. Hey even the “Jester’s bag” may likely contain physical health and eating stuff (Or not eating stuff?) things.
BUT WHAT ABOUT THE GNOME? Ok, just one more thing first…
Random #1: I briefly mentioned in a blog post I’ve started a wellness group with friends at my church called “FoolsFitness Fellowship” and even tried to wrap it in some small prizes and set it up around a charity fundraiser. Here is the opening prayer that I think crafts some of the developing FoolsFitness Philosophy:
We the Foolsfitness Fellowship are creations
Of God. I am the steward of my body which is a
Sacred Gift. We are not about fad diets, magic
pills, 5 minute workout machines, or guilt. We
choose by free will to be mindful of our nutritional
needs, aware of our portions, and in the safe
movement of our body; together as a whole,
personally, and in support of others. I
have the power of the plate, in what and how
much to either put on it or remove from it.
There are not good or bad foods here. I trust in
God’s strength and the fellowship’s
Random #2... THE GNOME!
I am not the most tidy person. I blame the artist in me that struggles against the confines of order. I have long ago lost the back seat of my car to odd mail, take out containers, and random clothing. My house is even worse with piles of books on strange subjects, art bits, and about 12 half finished projects. This morning was a nightmare… Monday morning I couldn’t find my work pass key or my phone bill. But what drove me crazy for months is I lost my favorite Rosary… a birthday/confirmation gift from a dear guardian angel friend. I should get a picture… it’s a mix of two antiques. It has a large inlaid French crucifix and the ebony beads are from either a monks or nun’s habit. I’ve been crushed for loosing it and I found all three of those things.
BUT WHAT ABOUT THE x*&*^*&%*$^ GNOME!!!!
I have a 3 foot tall garden gnome that holds a planter pot in my home. However this isn’t used for plants. This gnome has got my back. His sole bodyguard duty is to hold my “critical” items. Keys, cell phone, Rosary, Work pass card. Had I trusted in him none of this would have happened.
Maybe I should make a fools fitness gnome? He could keep a daily food log and exercise record. He could keep a stack of inspirational books for reading and a personal journal to write and reflect on the journey. He might also hold a small photo scrapbook with pictures and goals.
Of course the Gnomes only work if you trust them! They do work hard too, but you need to keep an eye on them. Gnomes are easily offended, take time to warm up to you, and are only fiercely loyal if you are fiercely loyal to them as well.
Random #3: Ate well, moved a bit… then had Chinese food today, but didn’t eat to bursting. -5 pounds this week. 310.5 Very pleased to have the five pound drop but I need to buckle down and not yo-yo. This last month has not been consistent. I am the one choosing to eat more than I need to at times. But as the Foolsfitness Fellowship prayer goes I think I am becoming more aware and mindful.
Please remember that It’s all about the Gnomes at Foolsfitness. The Gnomes are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way…- Alan

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Am I A Super Villain? A Part Time Superhero? Or what?

Why do Super Villains laugh so well? Have you ever noticed that Evil Masterminds tend to be enthusiastic and actually happy a large part of the time? They have a great attention for detail. They usually have a very cool evil lair. They are even pretty good at business (hey being evil is expensive) and delegators of authority… They usually have hoards of minions and a trusted lieutenant to “take care of things”. Not only will they do away with the superhero, but it must be in some wildly complex and amusing fashion.
You may see where this is leading. While most are very intelligent, their ultimate undoing is a mix of arrogance, ego, and greed. They figure once “the plan” is in motion all they need to do is sit back and laugh the evil (Yet very cool) laugh.
I’ve tried repeatedly to apply for membership into of Sean and Jack’s Superhero group called, “The League of Extraordinary Fat Men”, with no reply. Now I can see several reasons for this.
A) their Superhero Sidekick interns repeatedly have lost my paperwork.
B) With my weight loss not reaching huge numbers I need to develop my superpowers further.
C) They see my dark tendencies and wonder deep down if I will indeed become a super villian.
D) The group is fictitious, but the more that people say that the more I know “they” are covering the group up.
So blame it on my Super Villain flaws, I got cocky and then ignored the details… full of myself and laughing manically while blaming my yes men or thugs for any deviation from the ideal. Look at me for hitting a weight loss marker of 25 pounds and the six month mark. Then the launch of a Foolsfitness local group complete with a charity fundraiser. Enter the villain’s ego, arrogance, and any other stuff.
Ok here it is. The reason for missing a post. One slip, and then another, and then throw a few on top of it. I could blame it on the local sandwich fair. While I didn’t eat a whole cow or sheep… I did eat an éclair the size of a loaf of Italian bread. Then there was a donut the size of my head. Naturally the next logical step in the following days was a half dozen candy bars and somewhere in there must have been lots of Chinese food? ****SIX POUNDS GAIN!!!!!**** Holy I’ve eaten a Cow Batman! 315.5 Biff Pow BAMM ZAPP
I don’t think I’ll ever be the goody two shoes Superman. I might be able to do the brooding superhero like Batman… but hopefully with the style of the Green Hornet. But now the lesson for today, I shall not get over confident and forget it’s each days walk, each meals choice… it doesn’t end. You can’t be a part-time superhero.
At Foolsfitness we wrote the book on Superheroes… Well one Superhero actually. And it’s still being written. Whether it’s a fiction or autobiography has yet to be determined. Maybe a bit of Mark Twain, a bit of both?- Alan

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Professional All You Can Eat Guide to Buffets

I’m sitting at the Chinese Food Buffet restaurant this morning waiting for it to open (Yeah, I have issues) and I thought I should create a small guide for you non-professionals…
1) Bring your own dishes. You can get far larger plates and bowls from home. This saves on trips up to the buffet line so you can save all your strength for eating.
2) Check to see if they have a membership. It’s like gym fees, just pay by the month… again saving crucial time so you can focus more on the gooey and fried goodness. Personally, they have just given me a key so I can go in for midnight snacks as well. This option is usually not on the *basic* Chinese food buffet membership.
3) Keep eating. At one point they will bring you a check, but don’t stop. They will eventually try to make you a deal that if you leave they will call it even so you *don’t have to pay at all* as they get frightened over your crab consumption costs. Personally I am a professional, I keep eating beyond that and can get to the final stage of being there for half a day and usually at that point they will actually PAY YOU a small amount to leave. At this level you earn high respect as an “Alpha” eater, they will no longer look you in the directly in the eye for long. It’s a little known martial art. The ancient eating masters actually have custom black belts that can be loosened during or after large meals.
4) Go early to get the best seating. Moreover you can usually ask them *as they set up* to just bring you the whole tray of crab ragoons and chicken teriyaki they bring out directly to your table… it’s so much easier.
Yup, you guessed it. I did a Chinese Food Buffet today. I actually fought the urge for a few days and technically the “enjoy food day” I set up once a month I could use for this. As I said I don’t like the term “cheat day” or “bad” food. That still gives food some power over you. However I am struggling with the choice. I feel it wasn’t made under complete Zen. Chinese Food still is my kryptonite. I want to reach the day where I can go in and just eat a decent proportioned plate and draw the line. Maybe some of you have justified a second plate with, “I should get my money’s worth” or something like “well I don’t eat this kind of stuff at home” or “that looks interesting, I just try that. (and that and that and that)”
I have an excuse. (Isn’t it great to have excuses and that way you need to take absolutely no responsibility for anything you eat!) I got frightened. I went into to the supermarket yesterday and started an exploratory mission into the fresh fruit and vegetable aisle. I clutched my frozen pizza close to my side moving slowly forward seeing all strange and usual things in bright colors and unusual shapes. A strange aroma was in the air. I shuttered wondering what manner of creation is this as I picked up a small brightly green colored spherical object about the size of a softball in my hand. Fearing I would loose my way I retraced my steps quickly back to the chip and soda aisle… that is another adventure story for another blog entry, in time after a more advanced exploration mission. I need to go in there properly equipped with soda and cookies to sustain me.
At Foolsfitness we count pickles as our main vegetable.- Alan

Monday, October 5, 2009

The weighting room

I’ve been peeking in the weight area of the gym. Since my gym membership began I’ve just been obsessed with swimming and that is all I use the gym for. I have lifted weights before. I mean sort of as a sport. Not a professional body builder but I took pride once in my body. Now being still rather big, and not the big that is like arms the size of your head, I’ve been just daring a peek when I think no one is looking.
You see there is stuff I barely remember and new stuff too. Apparently it’s now OK for grown ups to play with huge bouncy balls. I can’t take the classes because every time I say “Zumba” it pushes me into a giggle fit. They now have weights that are spheres called kettle bells. Apparently they are rather old and used in Russia. Personally if your going to get a different weight to lift I want something fun like weights in the shape of the Flintstones (like those Dino vitamins) or the weights should be in shapes like army tanks because you are building up your “guns” right? I think if they want real muscle confusion and a challenge they should bench press goats. If they used goats they would have not only a work out tool but they wouldn’t need a water bottle supplement drink… cause it’s goat’s milk on demand!!!
I can just picture hanging myself in the new cable machines.
Luckily due to my work schedule I can hit the gym at a time when it’s mostly “older” and less intimidating folks. Imaging me having some 80 year old guy with no neck asking me to “spot him”… I make one off comment like what colors would he prefer and I get “what?” and/or “eeeh?” for ten minutes…, or I try to help him lift some unbelievable weight bar.. You know, the ones with like two of those disk things on them. Sure they say ten pounds but we all know about that conspiracy.
Still if I want to look like Arnold I’m going to need to pump some iron sometime. Maybe soon. I’m also seeing if I can take the next step of not only watching my calories but trying to eat more “balanced” foods. I read about it someplace. I have no idea how balancing your foods helps or where and on what you need to balance them on, but I can juggle apples and oranges.
Well, another -1.5 pounds off. I got a notary signed weight register at 310.5 today (Oct. 05, 2009). I’m going to do a weight loss fundraiser for charity until New Years to help my church. (currently I’m worth $4.00 a pound in pledges… Gee I hope more people donate, I‘d like to know I‘m worth more than lobster!) It’s a good cause, my church like many Americans are struggling in the tough economy. I think my church is struggling spiritually as well. Pray for “The Little Church on the Hill” (it’s nickname)
Richard Simmons said the average American gains 12-15 pounds Oct-Dec. I guess that makes sense with all the food holidays, and half the nation in snow and limiting their outdoor activities. Gee if I end up gaining weight over the winter! No. That’s negative thinking. I’m going to gain more freedom and health by shedding more chains and shackles of the dead weight.
Speaking of dead weight. I’m not sure if it’s funny or sad. I haven’t quite got the hang of getting the bicycle to go completely forward in a straight line. That old weight shifts and sways. But watch it after that momentum gets up to speed. I could be like a monster truck, crushing everything in my path.
At Foolsfitness we can curl 2-liter bottles of soda for hours!- Alan

Thursday, October 1, 2009

6 Months + Hungry at Foolsfitness

Well I “officially” started my Journey on April fools day (April 1 of 2009)… it just seemed right for “Foolsfitness” to be born then. I weighed today and hit my lowest weight since the beginning now 312 (that’s 31 pounds gone!), this is my 51st blog post and I have over 50 fabulous Foolsfitness friends who keep me going when it’s tough and share in the joys! Everyone’s comments keep me focused and fill me up better than candy! I’m really blessed to not be alone in the war. THANK YOU!
So today I did my poor impression of the M.C. Hammer, “Can’t Touch This” song… followed along with Vanilla Ice song, “Ice- Ice-Baby” and then I started by rabid frothing of, “I’m Too Sexy for My Shirt!” Then I started screaming, “Who’s laughing now? Who’s the Fool now!?” looking in the mirror. People at the office looked at me a little strangely.
Then I woke up to reality as I got home. (briefly… I just visit reality from time to time, my world is far better) I leave a pair of my old jean shorts on the bathroom door for reality checks. I have a simple rule, if I’m going to eat off what I plan for caloric intake I just try those shorts on… Well I got my legs in them and over my wide load behind at least! No chance Mr. Universe could even squeeze them to button up though…. Not even close!
I had a silly private goal I set in April… I really wanted to dress up as the old Batman (and not be laughed at) going to a Halloween cruise. I doubt even the plus size could fit… and it really wouldn’t be a superhero shape… even factoring in old Adam West didn’t have the perfect body. I might make it as the Penguin from the newer film, but that isn‘t my goal and I am not going like that… No compromises. It’s a blow of reality. Like seeing my Humpty Dumpty like pictures.
I’ve had a few Hiccups. I failed to focus on health for a month plus in the middle of this. But I got back, and even more focused. Even the past week or so my weight has been all over the park… somehow gained 3 pounds in a week then I lost 3 pounds in single a day and another 2 pounds lost in two more days. I can only attribute it to me being sick with a cold. I have no clue if I’m dehydrated or was holding fluids, different clothes or what… (I’m not starving myself) but I just take the number on scale from Oct 1st.
If I can encourage anyone here that may be a bit behind me on the scales.… I can NOT honestly say “You can do it!” (boy that’s modivation huh? But read on) Nor was it easy or in seven days! I can say I’ve come a long way… I’ve got a long way to go. If I CAN do it (I have done an over 30 pounds drop) Why CAN’T you do it too?! I have no secret drug or wacky diet. I try to be very careful watching my portions and I even have the occasional (GASP) candy bar… I had a cookie today! I don’t eat a box of them in a day though. I did at one time… I would down a whole pizza in a sitting and small leftover as a snack. If you want a trick just take a PEZ each day (Or a whole roll they are only 35 calories) and eat moderately and move…
Now is different… You bet I’m hungry sometimes… but I try to remember to tell myself that isn’t a food hunger. Food could sedate me a bit but in the end it just makes the hole bigger. I don’t even like the word “Diet” or people shoving rice cakes at me. It’s real life for me… a life long journey of food choices. I don’t even like the term “Bad” food. It’s just a thing… it has no power… A cupcake will not kill you. Notice the word “A”. I just eat a half a dozen in a day. (just seeing if you were paying attention! I just keep my intake at are 1500 calories in small meals throughout the day… if I’m in a rush I just have a granola bar or occasionally even a candy bar) There is no wagon to fall off because there is no “Diet” to stop magically when I get to some number. If I had a diet it would be the Chimichunga and diet cream soda diet. There is no magic food mixture or low carbs or low fat. Just moderation, movement, and blogging!!!
My magic workouts thus far has only been walking at just a 2 miles per hour speed (But not stopping at the first mile or 20 minutes! I keep on walking baby!!!) and swimming for 45 minutes just trying to keep moving with my cheesy dog paddling, maybe one or the other or both 4 times a week. I got a bicycle recently but I only have used it twice so far (My back and legs got to get built up for riding any distance yet).That *is* the reason I called it Foolsfitness to mock the silly fad diet industry and those silly 8 minute a day work out machines that look like a cross between medieval torcher devices and modern art sculptures.

I’ve got a long way to go still, lets walk this journey together. It’s an adventure! I won’t even settle when they let me in the “League of Extra-Ordinary Fat Men”… because it won’t be done. I think I’m in it for life. I really want a life. The world needs another superhero, and I think I can find one under all this weight in time.
I want a 9 to 5 career at the gym as a personal trainer to inspire and help others too (and keep me on track too…I can never forget that this never ends, I know I need daily reminders and renewed motivations). Like the Hobbit who wrote “There and Back” how can a guy who’s fit all his life understand what it feels to shake looking at one of those white plastic lawn chairs? Or be winded just going up a flight of stairs? That fit all his life guy has not walked into a 24 hour convience store weighing 350 pounds at 2 AM for a binge on a 2-liter soda, 2 candy bars and a pack of cupcakes. They don't know what it was like to get picked last in gym class for teams.
I want the FJ Cruiser with the Foolsfitness logo on the side and a condo along with the career at the gym. You bet I’m hungry…I’m hungry, for a life. I hope I’m more hungry for that than spending *ALL* of my days at the Chinese food buffet. (there will be *some* visits though… “moderation” is my new mantra)
Mark my words that Batman costume will be a certain next year. So will the Conan the Destroyer replica sword that will be engraved with the dates and “100 pounds lost” in time. (feel free to insert Rocky type “Eye of The Tiger” music here) Mr. T doesn’t need to pity this Fool.
I hope your hungry, can stay hungry, or can get hungry!
At Foolsfitness it’s about feeding the Hunger!- Alan

Monday, September 28, 2009

Went Cow Tipping this Week

If you’re not familiar with “Cow tippen’ ” you are suppose to sneak up on a standing cow that’s asleep and give them a quick push on the side and they fall over.
Tony “The Anti-Jared” wrote in one of his recent blogs about spilt milk and metaphors and analogies tied into weight loss. I agree with the end of his blog, however I think he should have expanded on the idea.
First, Do not cry over spilt milk. I see a couple of options here. Well, it’s obvious… deny the spilt milk’s existence. “I’m not really fat. Most people are overweight… I’m normal” If you need to cry, just cry to the side of the spilt milk NOT over it. I’m not sure why crying over it is dangerous… maybe you could step on the broken glass or something. Sometimes people don’t admit to themselves how dangerous it really is to be morbidly obese.
Many people don’t like taking any personal responsibly any more. People complain about credit card or house loans and quickly point to “predatory lenders” while I hear about no one saying how they are the ones running up their own debt, buying junk on credit cards and not reading the fine print of a house loan… or living beyond their means in a house the can’t afford! So, “The glass was slippery. It’s not my fault.” the weight version might be…” I was stressed. I ate out.”
Oh, it can get way more complex. “My friend filled the cup too full.” So I can’t say no to the 2nd piece of homemade pie? The bingers will pour more milk on top of it…(personally I don’t know why I eat more after I already know I ate too much… there is no logic to it.) Even just shrug and drink from the carton.
Where Tony and I differ is we both acknowledge the floor is slippery (a trigger food) he goes around the house to avoid it. I say we just need to walk very carefully. If you’re a fan of the fad diets, magic pills, or exercise gadgets you’ve got lots of options… maybe silly ones. Switch from glasses of milk to sippy cups or back to baby bottles. Or the special booties that have little treads on them. Is it realistic to wear booties or walk around the house to avoid the slippery hallway for the rest of your life?
Tony promotes the weight monitoring plans to learn portions. That to me makes sense. Don’t run with the glass of milk or fill the cup up so much. I disagree to avoid the slippery hallway and just walk careful though.
Finally the point some seem to miss… You’ve got milk on the floor… remember? CLEAN IT UP!
I spilt some milk last week. I saw the glass tipping and sloshing but didn’t focus enough to hold it. Then I filled the glass too full again. My first recorded gain (+3 pounds)
Back to cow tipping. I grew up around farms. I have never tipped a cow (What are they going to do with a 5? Maybe tip them with grain! ) I have never seen a cow tipped over. But this last week **in spite of ALL I know**, I hesitated questioning if the myth was true to the point of calling my best friend’s dad who had cows his whole life and relatives who farm as well. Cows don’t sleep standing up. If they don’t know you they are likely to walk away from you when you approach them. Cows are very heavy. Even if you could tip them it would be with a shoulder block. So you would need a mutant cow (that sleeps standing up) who’s sick (so they could tip over) a Ninja (who’s good at sneaking up on things) and that Ninja needs to be a body builder to push over the animal that weighs hundreds and hundreds of pounds.
If you want to loose weight and think you can’t…don’t hold on this myth of cow tipping. Guys like the Anti-Jared and Sean Anderson show it’s a myth by carefully watching everything they eat and how much along with some moving. Even adding back my gain I still have dropped 25 pounds. Eat in decent portions and keep moving and you WILL see positive changes!!! Yet for a time last week I believed in cow tipping. Believing in cow tipping doesn’t make it true. It would be like denying the reality of caloric deficit when meanwhile your scarfing down a pound bag of candy. Next time when doubt sneaks in I hope to instantly remind myself it’s a myth. Giving in to believing in garbage, is giving in and eating too much garbage, and makes my life garbage in the end.
Foolsfitness wants to remind you that a little mini-moo creamer is 10 calories, a flavored one can be 30 or even 60 calories! Cow tipping is a myth. You *can* however frighten a certain species of goat and they *will* fall over. But they are not cows. - Alan

Thursday, September 24, 2009

“BMI” Bike Death Jump Over A Gluten Pyramid!

So I figure with the struggles of food intake over the last couple of days I don’t want to get sick or ruin my hard work at getting more healthy. I want to improve my daily food intake, figuring in safe levels of calories, and being better at balancing my foods. I though about one of those Richard Simmons “Food Movers“. I started reading about them and apparently they evolved from his “Deal-A-Meal” thing. Then I did more digging and found out he based some of his program around what the U.S. government considers a balanced diet. So I went web surfing. (How many calories is web surfing anyway? That’s like a sport right?) This is the source for much of the food pyramid stuff and what they suggest are basic dietary needs based on weight and age and activity level. Gone is the old original building blocks one, replaced with one that looks like a vertical rainbow, I think to avoid gluten rich stuff. Apparently the government can’t figure out what they are doing with diet stuff either or they wouldn’t have needed to change it in the first place!
Someone tell me what a “gloo ten” is anyway. Is it the improved model from a “glue nine“? I thought we were freaking out over getting enough fiber… or what was the other thing??? Oh, trans-fat. Somebody is tripping on too many fatty acids here. I lost track with the egg thing, I think they are only good if eaten in the dark on Sundays. Oh, maybe eggs are ok if they come in those little milk cartons? I knew eating the shells was a bad idea. Remember when whole milk was Ok? A basic calorie counter with food exchanges. It’s not complete… I’d like to see more prepared foods (like more fast foods) on the list. I think there are better calculators out there. Maybe you can suggest one?
So I got deeper, pulled in by the dietary information black hole… completely lost in information overload. I am apparently 45.4 BMI at 317 pounds… they suggest a “healthy” weight range of 18.5 to 24.9 meaning 129 to 174 lbs… I figure I should sell my BMI stock when it hit’s 50 per share. They say I’m currently burning about 3764 calories a day., from
“For a good time” I suggest you go to that nutrition data website and input any food in their little calculator thing. You get readouts that look like a MRI scan, a screen that’s more complex than a fighter jet flight panel, and pretty modern art graphic paintings! Seriously, it’s down to Glycemic load and “Inflammation Factor“… Is that how all those people you hear about in weekly world news do the “spontaneous human combust” thing? The “Nutrient Balance” chart graph looks like the targeting computer display for the Death Star from Star Wars. Just imputing an “Apple” gets you over 50 kinds of choices from without skin to with skin, baby food… and that’s only page one of three! I should just get a simple food mover thingamajig. Richard Simmons sort of frightens me but as a guru of fitness and nutrition he is an icon. He can do the rumba with tacos as good as old Michael Jackson use to Moonwalk with “Beat It”!
That bike you see I just got. Technically it may be weird for a guy to get a girl’s bike… but there was something about the wide white walls that pulled me in. When you strip off all the stickers I think it looks far better too. It’s got two speeds… slow and stop. Clean and simple. Want to go up a hill, pedal harder and get a wind sprint or walk. Want to speed up? Pedal faster. Plus… it was very cheap. I figured after the last couple of days it will get me out and clear my head. Wind in my hair, bugs in my teeth.
DISCLAIMER: Foolsfitness does not officially endorse Richard Simmons, is not related to, part of, or benefiting from his empire. In fact Foolsfitness thinks with all this free advertising I just did he should now give me one of those food mover things.
Hey buddy, hey you… yeah you. Can you help a poor vagabond dieter down on his luck with a spare “Food Mover”?!!! - Alan

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

No funnies today

Sorry, no funny section today... cartoonist strike (well this artist anyway?)

Well, not a lot of funny in here today… maybe with the exception of me. I can’t exactly put my finger on it. I *HATE* making excuses. When I say I’m going to do something I really try to go all out and make them happen. Here’s the “skinny” of it.
A couple of days ago after a swim I got seriously hungry… ravenously hungry. Mind you I’ve been a laser for weeks, tracking any calorie down to a sugar packet in my coffee. I don’t know if I got a little concerned over some headaches or the big loss over the weekend… I stayed the course. Yesterday I had excessive food. I hadn’t planned it. I don’t understand it. I even walked over 11.5 miles and had a swim. Now today I decide that I’m going to stop exercising for just today and let my body recover the push. Yet today the hunger is still pushing me over the top of what I plan for caloric intake.
AGAIN… I hate- hate-hate excuses. But I don’t know if I got a little low blood sugar thing or off vitamin needs thing that freaked out my body that snapped it (the headaches could be a sign?) or I just lost focus. Last post I even wrote about focus! For what ever reason is I’m really off. I know that photo a few weeks back really shook me. I still am the one holding the fork, so I take credit for it. But prayers for my “Mojo” here appreciated. No I didn’t “fall” off the wagon, there isn’t a wagon to fall off… no trick diets or magic pills here, I‘m not relying on berry juice from Smurf island.…
I’m really ripped about this. It isn’t me. After I write this I’m actually going to go out and buy a bag of Peanut M+M’s and sit on my Humpty Dumpty wall and try to figure it out, think it through. I really want to understand what happened and what’s going on. If it’s just a cut too far back on intake thing fine… BUT if it’s a “me (psychic) fail” I’m so angry. I have plans. I need to know what it is to fix it and stop it from happening again. Either way I need to reset to get back on track. Rats-rats-rats. After a 25 pound plus loss did I just get too confident, push too hard, run out of steam, or am I just doomed to fail in some grand epic universal destiny? I really don’t want excuses I want a clear answer. I don’t want to make the same mistake twice… I want to make all new mistakes!
Well, I’m off to hunt down some M+M’s and a wall to ponder on.
Again your prayers please… Because Foolsfitness knows that faith in God is no joke.-Alan

Monday, September 21, 2009

Fan-atics of NASCAR with socks

I went to a NASCAR race over the weekend thanks to a free ticket of friend. This was my first experience watching live “serious” car racing. I would like to say a few things about it. First, they are loud. Second, they go very fast then make left turns and repeat it many times until they get tired or run into a wall or each other or a mix of the two.
I really want to mention the fans. These are very serious folk. They have racing jackets complete with the racer’s sponsor logos. They have flags of the racers numbers flying from their campers, most seem to like to BBQ and many seem to like beer perhaps a little excessively. They even camp at the track. There are lots of trailers that sell everything. I’m not talking hats and shirts, I mean everything. No joking here they actually even have socks and dog bowls with the racer logos on them!
Imagine if Church was that way. You’d have the Saint John the Baptist guys in the back complete with camel hair shirts and fake beards that have wild honey and locust bits in them doing the wave. Toward the front left in the second pew a row of monks who have shaved communion wine bellies standing in the order that says John 3:16 with a letter or number on each guy. On the other side of the aisle you’ve got a family, the dad wearing a shirt that says “Rev. Swan prays well“. The mother has a shirt that says, ”Saint Benedict rules!” the kids have little flags waving that the best Bibles are King James Bibles. The pastor steps up to the lectern and his frock has logo patches for the Rosary, New American Standard Bibles, and Jesuit Holy Water. Imagine people paying the price for tickets they pay the race track to get seats in the best pews for view of the alter! Oh don’t forget the monks camped in tents outside the church just waiting for Sunday who sit in circles doing Gregorian Chants! Anyone who walks by them, they just hold up Bibles and start yelling, ”Woooo! Sunday 10am Baby it’s on! Pastor in the house!” Please don’t get me wrong… I love the Lord and actually I’d love to see a little of the racing fan type passion in the house of God.
I’m not encouraging people to start going out and buying Richard Simmons key chains (They really make them! Actually I’d kind of like one ) but maybe adopting a Foolsfitness Fanatic approach to health. For me I’ve got to want that svelte V more than an O. I need the fanatical approach to want it more than lots of Capital M’s of local Micky D’s. I think another blogger (Sean of loosingweighteveryday) describes it as his “ironclad” decision. I think for me any half hearted approach is just going to lead to half hearted results. It’s not going to be about some trick diet but the fanatical commitment of it being down to Foolsfitness Socks! (I’m really not kidding, the NASCAR booth guys sold socks and dog bowls with the car logos! Am I the only one who sees that as extreme?!!!)
At Foolsfitness life itself is a Extreme Sport!- Alan… a Foolsfitness Fanatic who’s cheering with a 1.5 pound loss over the weekend!

Friday, September 18, 2009

Foolsfitness Silver Award

The first 25 pounds have been lost! 25 is silver right? Well I normally weigh in around Mondays but I couldn’t resist the milestone post. Now it’s real. Now I’m a proven. Now it’s no fluke! I’m trucking around 7 miles walking multiple days a week. Actually the weight loss is more like 26 pounds! (317lbs this mornings weight check)
BUT LETS TALK SHOES!!! Naturally all that walking is frying my sneakers. I go to the store and start looking at shoes. Sneakers come with all sorts of stuff now! Some of them have Gel inserts or little springs or airbags. One pair apparently has a little compartment for some gadget you put in to keep track of your walking. My only question is if it’s big enough to keep a Oreo Cookie in for “emergency use only” .
Now if you drive your car and have a triple A membership you can get a tow truck to come out if you get a flat tire. I’m wondering if any gyms offer a come to your jog site service if you get a sneaker airbag or gel blow out. As a heavy guy I can’t help but picture some freaky sneaker gel flying thing like a bad jelly donut.
Getting in shape is expensive. I can’t seem to find a lot of decent sneakers at the thrift shop. I was hoping the gym and extra sneaker cost would go about even with my offset cupcake budget. If this keeps up I’m going to have to cut back on all the Chinese Food Buffets to pay for some new clothes!
In other news… “the amazing shrinking girl” is celebrating her one year anniversary with a fitness challenge. Thus far I’ve got in 6.58 miles into it. Oh, and a Duncan Donut’s Chocolate chip muffin.
And remember at Foolsfitness it’s all about fancy footwear!-Alan

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Real Gyms Smell

Did I mention I joined a gym. Oh sure I had a “gym” membership elsewhere but this is a real gym complete with pool and aerobic classes, not just machines. This one even has that official gym smell. I haven’t got the courage up yet to officially try one of the aerobic classes like Cardio box or Zumba…
I have two excellent reasons for not doing an official aerobics class yet, first I can’t help but start laughing when the woman asks people if they are “breathing”… it gets me every time. Oh, I forgot to breathe! It’s a good thing you reminded me! Then there is the whole sesame street count thing… They love counting down from five. THEY want YOU to count down from five… At about three I have to start on my Count vampire puppet rant from the Sesame Street “five, four, three… three wonderful arm pumps! Ah-Ah-Ah…” At least they don’t seem to mind me wearing my Pajamas to the gym.
The second reason is the time I scoped out a “aqua lite water aerobics” class I was surrounded by old folks that when told to do jumping jacks started bobbing up and down in complete unison and made these freaky perfect tsunami tidal waves that all I could do is paddle for my very life praying not to be sucked in the undertow. Then after the class was over the instructor asked me, “Sometimes it’s just fun to float around for a little while isn’t it?” Hey! I was dog paddling for my life lady. All right, what I do may be an insult to dogs who know how to properly paddle. It’s more of a half paralyzed sloth paddle. But I’m like a duck man… there is a lot of foot action going on under the water! Well in fairness, I probably did bob around like a ocean buoy and looked like a turtle with my nose and eyes just peering out of the water. Yet it was a turtle in a very man type way… a ninja turtle or maybe a snapping turtle.
I do like the water, some of my flab folds sort of disappear. It’s like a little encouragement to say what I could be like weighing one sixth of my weight. The pool is actually very dangerous. I got caught in one of those water spout things shooting water back into the pool, the current sent me into the deep end… I felt like some astronaut helpless, floating away, after the tether to the shuttle broke. Then some little girl about 5 years old comes paddling by me wearing those floaty ducky arm things. Don’t tell me she wasn’t on steroids, no human being could paddle that quickly.
Oh and what’s with the pool gear anyway? Some guy has got goggles that are tinted shades and a rubber hat and had some special lotion that makes him extra slippery in the water. He claimed it’s all about “aerodynamics“. Since you’re in the water shouldn’t it be about “waternamics“? Why isn’t that a word? It’s not in my spell check!
Well in other news… Mondays weigh in down 1.5 pounds. Got an art commission for doing a walk a thon tee shirt. Ironically after working half the night on it I realized I misspelled a word. Praise God for tech that can make it a 20 minute fix rather than a whole drawing re-do. I’ve got another bookmark art commission waiting for me as well as Foolsfitness should be starting up a fit-a-thon fundraiser with my church that I’m pretty excited about. It’s a good way to stay focused, share info, and raise a bit of money for charity and new clothes.
Foolsfitness knows that fitness counts, but please stop counting down from five!- Alan