Saturday, February 27, 2010

Insert Rocky music

Stairs… I laugh at your puny verticalness! Your diminutive height is little threat to me… stair master extraordinaire.(Insert Rocky theme music and visions of him running up stairs here)

I ended up food shopping with my next door neighbor. She has asthma and some kind of broncitious thing going on that makes her cough, barking like a rabid chuahua. Being my most awesome (and humble) filled super self I said, “Don’t worry! I’ll help you” I really needed a cape to pull off the superhero moment properly, yet I went on anyway.

What am I rambling about? She doesn’t live on the first or second floor here. Moreover I had multiple trips of groceries to haul up the stairs. The cool part that I’m still tickled with a day later is this.

*I zipped up and down stairs of six flights, carrying stuff, and wasn’t winded!*

At the end I actually stopped and laughed as all that had happened was I was breathing a little more deeply. Not winded in the least! It actually felt refreshing. Sick huh?

I’ve been working on my fitness, also several other areas of my personal life and have made a lot of progress that I’m proud of. Fighting other battles at the same time I still feel a bit stretched though. Yesterday I tackled yet another task in regaining my house… I found the stove and microwave over the coating of grease that has covered them for the last two years. I have also found my stuffed Star wars Ewok… I think it was hiding under the bed frightened by the mess that my flat studio had become over the last two years. I’ve been doing some more art and also trying to catch up on looking around to see what people are doing in art right now in general. The next step there is to reintegrate into some groups of fellow cartoonists to get inspired and challenged.

It’s not all yippee here (not that there isn’t yippee, in no way could it be considered a “yippee free zone“) I *AM* still fighting with food. I seem to have the general rule that if it isn’t moving it should be considered as a possible thing to eat. I also keep forgetting Lent rule days. Forgive me Father for I like meat… and food in general.

Oh, I think the counter is currently 6 days away from the Chinese Food buffet.

And remember that at Foolsfitness we endorse stairs. - Alan at Fools Fitness

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Betrayed! The Temptress and Mr. F

Where have you been? Why is your hair wet? What is that smell on you? Never mind me.

Well What about the what about the late night trip??? questions like Didn’t I see you in the restaurant with HIM again need to be asked too?! It wasn’t going so well. Why can’t things work? Why can they just function?! Do you really want to be with “Him”? I thought she was the one… yet she crushes me. How can you keep doing this to me? I trusted you! Time and time again you lie to me and I fall for it.

Now I sit in front of my computer at the ungodly hour of the morning my mind racing. Who is Mr. F? Like I didn’t notice you had made dinner for 2 again!!! I don’t know where to start but I’ve been betrayed. The world is spinning so fast. My head is spinning as I ask why, my heart is breaking.

I went to the gym today and came home smelling of chlorine because I’ve been in the pool for a fair workout. My goal was for an hour of just to keep moving. I got in maybe 40 minutes. I look in my trash can as I bag it up to take it out and the evidence was there… Someone has been eating all my food while I‘ve been trying to improve myself some other guy has been in *MY* house!!! I checked the scale. I didn’t want to, I guess I’ve been in denial of the illicit relationship but it’s there. About a 12 pound gain since Jan 1st.

So Who is Mr. F? My Mister Future still seems to be fighting and then giving into the temptress who flirts him into her web with second helpings, too much Chinese food, and sloth type ways! Mr. Fools Fitness Future is in a steel cage death match with double S the Soul Stealer who’s determined to lure me into a slow quiet death by OD on MSG!

That’s where you come in my blogging friends. We are fooled by thinking it’s a tug a war with our past self and our old ways. But it’s a tug of war with our possible future self. Help me pull and I’ll try to help you pull too. We can perhaps learn from our past… but we can not be consumed by it, because it is done and can not be changed. Our time machine is set to the future of our dreams yet is constantly trying to be reset by who we are now by whim and ease. Two Mr. Futures stand in front of me pulling hard against each other.

There is an old Benedictine prayer that loosely translates to, “The drink you offer is evil. Drink that poison yourself.” Yet that devil offers such a tempting sweet elixir of death. Let us remind one another time and time again that the drink of now is so pale in comparison to the drink of the future if we can deal with parched throats in the desert travel to get to that oasis of Eden.

It comes back to the eternal question… well I sell out searching for my Mr. Future for that extra Chinese Food and the pseudo peace illusion. There is a safety in slavery. Is the possibility of freedom worth the fight?

Let us drink to our health and not in the sweet poison to our demise no matter how sweet it appears for it is only the most powerful of illusions! Please keep reminding me my friends. As for me when I can I shall try to keep reminding you of this illusion of this temptress (or tempter?) as well.

At Fools Fitness the Civil war rages on. Yet I can’t seem to pick a side and stay on it. -Alan

Monday, February 15, 2010


Why am I posting two times in less than 24 hours? I have never done that. Well you’ve seen me guest post a few times, but now I have taken over. It’s complex… let me explain.

It’s about 1:45 AM. I can’t sleep. I caught myself staring in the mirror for a very long time and frightened myself, then took a few pictures until I could get “it”. He is here. He wants out and will no longer accept the word no or can‘t. He is sick of the sell out excuses of giving into the quick and easy now payouts and will flatten that deer in the headlights guy who is in the before shot of way back in April of 2009 (see the side bar down a bit). This is fools fitness, he’s ripped, he’s angry, hungry, and it’s totally beyond boot camp sergeant playtime. Life is passing away and it’s no longer looking on from the safety of the sidewalk time. Restraint is over. The life business of “me” is now.

Note to self. You may not win but until now you’ve been loosing big. Now it’s time to replace the loss of life each day for a new loss… in weight. Time for a gain. If not now when? It’s a one shot life. Don’t miss the adventure any more! Time to throttle life for all it’s worth. The old one must go. It’s shallow and worthless to hide in fear.

Attention “Deer in the headlights” self… please note you are not nearly frightened enough. Be afraid of me because I will run you down and crush you because you’ve held me hostage long enough. It’s time for my rules. Oh, anger doesn’t even begin to describe the start of it. You’ve messed with me long enough. No more playing it safe. One of us isn’t going to make it. Remember last year… I beat over 30 pounds off you. Now you need to leave. I ain’t asking you… I’m telling you. I ain’t threatening you, your going out the hard way. The “big” Al is being thrown out. Foolsfitness Alan is coming in and he’s Big… as in Bigger than life. You ain’t seen nothing yet.

Read this and fear me. Read this and dread. I will crush you with biceps the strength you can‘t even fathom, trample you under the powerhouse of my will the likes you have never even dreamed of. Flee in terror, you are no longer welcomed here. Your failures will no longer be tolerated. We’ve tried peace talks after peace talks. We tried management and banishment, yet you keep returning repeatedly sucking the soul out of life. It’s done as of this moment. Deer in the headlights self… you must now die. It might even sound a bit sadistic but I’m going to enjoy it too. Remember it’s payback for all the life you have stolen away from me. Don’t try hiding behind food or excuses. No settling or Plan B’s because I see you clearly in my sniper scope. I’m hunting you down. Be afraid old self. Alan is taking over Alan because Alan can’t cut it. Alan’s going down hard and isn’t getting up because Alan is truly hungry for life and is taking over.

Hello everyone… I’m Alan of Foolsfitness. I’ve had to overthrow the old king. It was regrettable but we could no longer co-exist. It is the dawn of a new era. The old king is dead… now, long life to the new king. Mark the time… 2:30 am feb 16th 2010 in history. It’s the official day and time that Alan over threw Alan.

Foolsfitness is now under new management. We are no longer of two minds.- Alan of FoolsFitness

$3 for a Fortune 500 Company Business!!!

Imagine if I offered you a chance at your very own Company for three measly dollars! Moreover, I’m going to give you the company right now… if you like it you can send me the three dollars. But you should send the three if you do, and here is why... It’s a physical symbol of action of your commitment to your very own business, a symbol of the value you invest, that you actually are investing, and are serious enough to invest. As a incentive to this fine offer if you send $3.00 I’ll even mail you back your very own personalized full color certificate of ownership suitable for framing!!! (better up that to $5.00 if it’s out of the U.S.A. to cover my mail costs?)


What if *YOU* were that company. Is investing in yourself worth the three to five dollars? Act now folks because the clock is ticking.


What have you got to loose? A few bucks? What can you gain? Better odds at a purpose driven more fulfilling happy life. I don’t guarantee success, anyone who does may be lying to you. What I *DO* GUARANTEE is increasing the odds in your favor.

1) the first step is *Change your perspective* by looking into the mirror and saying these words, “ My business is me. I am now my very own business.” You have already been your company… *YOU* dash inc.. “incorporated” copywrite trademark. But have you applied yourself to purpose? Are you really investing in yourself, stacking the odds in purposeful direction?

Take a business model and apply it to your life. I want you to find a notebook and start making sections in it or just use a multi-subject notebook.

TAKE THE FIRST PAGE: write and rewrite your company statement. Your company is you. What is your “mission statement“? Your ultimate goals? If you as yourself was a fortune 500 successful company

CAPITAL INVESTMENT: every business needs machinery to make their widgets, or a attractive storefront, suppliers, and a market. Look at your mission statement. If it is becoming “more healthy” that is investing in quality materials to manufacture that product. If your life solely is twinkees and chips, well would great cars be made of mud? If your machinery to build “you” consists of you on the couch in an aerobic workout with a remote… could you build a great car with a shovel and pail you make sandcastles with? Maybe that means decent food materials for production and getting to the gym… even inventers strapped for cash may not afford the assembly line of a gym membership but they likely cobbled together at least a decent workshop. Can you afford to make a walk a daily routine?

YOUR STAFF HELP: imagine a business where employees showed up to work twice a week, cut out early or came in late, and didn’t focus on their work… then met with you about a raise and benefit package. FIRE THEM!!! If your goal is good health that gal or guy who spends all day on the break room couch with a cup of Joe has got to go! The employee is also the boss. You’re a sole proprietorship. If you want the benefits of “more healthy” (or other benefits like lower debt, more quality time with your family, or nearly any other mission statement) it’s hard to be the employee that always calls in sick to help that company to be a success. Maybe you need to hire some temp workers like the doctor, personal trainer, DVD Richard Simmons workout to be your staff motivator.

LIABILITES AND DEBTS: Maybe the company needs a bit of cutting the fat. Who’s the one running up the company expense account with power lunch meetings at the Chinese food buffet everyday? (He better start producing more sales or he has to go!) Is your company loosing profits? Where?

MARKET SHARE: Where are the returns coming from? What are you successful at? What is “selling”? When I worked under my Art Master I had a running joke with other apprentices that we pledged to never get date planners and paint sail boats and light houses or we’d be “sell outs”. High capital A in Art is still a goal, but after looking back honestly if “cute” art sells and feeds my cat and keeps a roof over my head (which are two of my own “company” goals) I’m doing it too. It’s a strength in my company of “ME” that increases market share.

ASK YOURSELF: if you were your own company would others invest in you after you show them your profits and losses sheets with you company plan for the next year? You’re the CEO that just might turn this company around with an aggressive new plan or getting it showing even better returns.

THE PLAN: This isn’t rocket science. Look at your goals. Look at what you are doing and can be doing to point you in the direction toward them. If you don’t write them down, have them in your mind… well if you have no destination in mind you’ll get nowhere fast. This is also about doing. Companies produce… they don’t sit and wait for the profit fairy to visit.

*THERE IT IS FOLKS* Given to you knowing you need to show your investment at an incredible deal at a chance to either turn your company of *YOU* around or a chance of making better returns. Please don’t forget my small consultant fee. I don’t mind working cheap… but prefer not free all the time. (I don’t promise fortune 500 company… individual results may vary an all that… because that part is up to you!)

PLEASE SEND YOUR 3-5 dollars (make checks payable to: “Alan D Jones” ) for your own full color certificate of ownership of your own company suitable for framing of *YOU* to:

Alan D Jones
PO Box 394
Laconia, NH 03247-0394

***DON’t forget your return address and name you want on the certificate!!!***

The costs cover my printing, mailing, and balance will go toward feeding my cat, art supplies, and general world domination plans. I’m calling you out here… are you serious enough to write out a check for a few bucks as a symbol of your commitment to your investing in yourself? Order now through the end of May 2010.

(BONUS OFFER SUPERDEAL! Throw in another buck or two and I’ll send you a random cartoon art print of one of my drawings!)

At Foolsfitness we are NOT about common sense. We are about Un-Common sense… that sells the company of YOU to you!!! I‘ll invest in the art of the certificate if you‘ll invest in you first. That's right... I'm crazy enough to sell you yourself... do you have the un-common sense to invest in yourself?- Alan

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Death to Cupid

Valentines Day is obviously a huge conspiracy but by whom? If you follow the money you’ve got the greeting card people, candy people, flower people, and others benefiting from the scam. No matter what you do you are ruined by it. At first I thought it was solely designed to torment people who don’t have a significant other to wallow in their own self pity but upon reflection I realize it also torments those attached as well. If you buy the girl candy she’ll accuse you of trying to ruin her diet and sabotage her efforts. However if you don’t get her candy it’s worse… because *then* she’ll obviously claim that you didn’t get her candy because you think she is fat and needs to lose weight. I’m pretty sure the dentists are in on the candy conspiracy because all that gooey goodness is job security for them as well as the clothing people and gyms… perhaps the diet folk too. Then the florists and greeting card people offer alternatives that just pad their own pockets.

Think about the twisted nature of the “big day”. You are under pressure to do something special to show your love… of which you should ideally be showing you care every day. Maybe if you were a rebel you could do a special day other than Valentines to show you really care but if you do it afterward you’d never hear the end of how you forgot V-day. So then to prove you care your *forced* to do it before… still doing it not by complete choice on your own free will but out of some twisted sense of duty of what’s right doing what you must. Love is a gift in pure form not a duty forced upon by the looming Feb 14th.

Maybe at this point your thinking I’m just bitter wallowing in my aloneness as the date approaches unable to share the moment with my soul mate and will just cuddle up to a pint or two of ice cream. Well, maybe there is that... But this is about twisted non-sense of V-day and other non-sense that gets in the way of our ideals!!! Important stuff… Ok, maybe a bit more of the other part too.

While I could complain about the day, which I have a bit, I can also look at it as a mirror moment, it’s also a time to take a temperature and see where I am on the road. Each day it's good to take a moment and look at the map. It’s work to figure out where you are in honest self reflection. Yet it doesn’t stop at that step. You got to look at where you want to go and *then* figure out ways to move toward (turn around or keep on moving to) the destination… then even further you got the step three to actually start *DO* (or keep) stepping (or trying to) in the right direction. That soul searching doesn’t amount to a lot if after all that work you don’t end up *doing* anything with the information you got… therefore we must hunt down Cupid and make that little winged arrow shooting minion of pain pay!!!

Wait… was that the message? I digressed again didn’t I? I meant to take a moment every so often to figure out where you really honestly are, to remind yourself where you want to go, and try to get moving (turn around or keep moving) in the right direction with ACTION. And speaking of action… if you see Cupid give that little runt a good slap upside the head for me.

And remember that Fools Fitness Gyms are closed for the Valentines Day holiday, sorry. The owner has a therapy session with some chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream to get to. - Alan

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

The Bird and a 104 Year Old Man

I read a wonderful story recently… A horsemen riding along a road came across a sparrow chirping happily as it was laying on the ground upside down with his feet up in the air and the man asked him why he was doing such a thing. The bird explained that he had heard the sky was falling. The knight laughed and said, ”what do you expect to do with those tiny, spindly little legs?” and the little bird said simply, “One does what one can.”

I also read a more sad story (a true one from AP network news a couple weeks back) about “The worlds strongest man” who was nearing 105 years old. He still walked 5 miles a day and on his 104th birthday he bent a dime between his fingers. He actually at that point apologized to people because he use to do it with thicker quarters and at a 104 he could then only do it with thinner dimes! Can you believe that! He had worked Cony Island during it’s hay day and had been a vegetarian all his life. This man who was in better health than most people in their prime was run over by a minivan a few weeks before his 105th birthday.

These are the controls in a WWII liberator plane. Clear, simple, easy, and straight forward ?! I really think as I seriously walk the road to a more fit life I have to remember that little bird and the quote, “One does what one can.” as well as the superman who somehow gets blindsided by kryptonite out of nowhere.

It would be easy to blame the fast food guys for making me humongous. I could also say I’m the one doing shots of chocolate shakes late into the night and the simple fact is I eat WAY too much. But as I clean my house and deal with old paperwork from 2005 that I have never opened I *AM* paddling upstream.

This isn’t a free pass here at all but maybe some of us are a bit hard on ourselves because life doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Your focus (To much extent) determines your reality… yet that being said I’m thinking about how much those “spindly little legs” (or in my case Godzilla sized ones) can hold up of the falling sky of work, art, faith, working out, sleep, eating well, doing laundry, paying bills, and ten thousand other things. Moreover I don’t even have a family that most people have that get ten thousand things more added on from packing kids lunches to trying to keep them safe and raise them well. Then a van comes out of nowhere and runs you down!!! I’ve been working on starting up a Art blog as I thought about this. Time seems infinite but time spent doing X is gone and can’t be applied to doing Y all while the world keeps on turning… sometimes dragging us or mowing us down…. Other times we ride it enjoying the merry-go-round a bit.

This isn’t a negative post although at first glance it might seem so. It’s just a reminder to me that my goal is to try to spend a little more time each day being that bird, just trying to live life and do it’s part. I may not have held up the sky all the time lately, but I’ve dodged a few minivans too. Is "totality" achievable? Maybe I'll just simply start a day with a goal to be a bit more purposefully focused that yesterday. Or even just plain reasonably focused is an achievement in itself too!!! Can you do worse? This isn't a *free* check but a *reality* check.

Notes about the artworks… the fast food one is mine, developed with graphic goodness and a bit of special sauce. The other is shamelessly stolen off the web. (I think it was from some manual)… I’ve got an urge to do some WWII style propaganda art to support the war on waistlines.

At Foolsfitness we remind you of our new rule… “Try to do your part for the war effort… because loose lips sink thighs and bellies!”-Alan