Tuesday, March 31, 2009

The Amazing PEZ Diet plan

You too can eat PEZ candy and be healthy! The amazing PEZ Diet plan is so simple. Just load a full clip of PEZ in your favorite dispenser in the morning and feel free to eat that clip of PEZ throughout the day… The astonishing system shocks your digestive system forcing it to maintain high metabolism as tiny bursts of sugar are released into the digestive tract periodically throughout the day. (Silly isn’t it? I just made that whole thing up) and all by only ingesting 35 calories in one PEZ strip. “This, along with balanced meals containing all the food groups in reasonable moderation and proportions of neither severe starvation or excess and also being physically active within safe parameters will guarantee you will see results.”

Re-read that last sentence. I’m thinking this “plan” is likely far more likely to see results and far safer than many quick fixes that range from a magic machine, speed pills, or other various snake oil. The industry is great with physiological buzz words too. Shock the system, astonishing, all natural, target those trouble areas, become a fat burning machine, electrolyte hydration, supplement used only until now by prehistoric dinosaurs.

I do not work for PEZ or have their stock, but trust me anyway… just take a PEZ and try to eat decent food without excessively starving or stuffing yourself and try to do some safe physical activity. Or forget the PEZ, but trust me the PEZ containers and candy are fun. No one expects an adult to whip out a Mickey Mouse PEZ dispenser!!! You’ll laugh and burn more calories. Moreover Carrying a PEZ dispenser is like carrying a tiny dumbbell with you where ever you go. I’m Alan and it’s the foolsfitness way.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Fools Fitness Grand Opening Gala!

Welcome to the “official” start of Foolsfitness. thus named because if my intention to launch this journey on April 1st. Some people might say I’m a fool for trying the whole fitness thing again. I like so many others have tried and tried again (and failed again) at becoming the Atlas icon and failed just trying to get out of the big and tall section looking for clothes.

My revolt, as I consider this an act of war declared on the established order of whomever the established order is primarily comprised of, is the goal to live life fully without being so full, by making better food choices and staying physically active.

In my first scouting parties found current rebel leaders who will not willingly yield at whim over and over to the junk food and sedentary lifestyle I’ve found a few bloggers whom I’ve found instant inspiration in the cause… gottaloose200pounds lady and the antijared guy just for starters.

Now those evil bookstores! Normally I love bookstores but the propaganda and disinformation campaign area of war rooms in the diet section of any book store is vast. I’m overwhelmed by the psychological bombardment of trying to convince me it’s a good idea to get healthy eating 1200 calories a day of only fruit, or no fat, low carbs, high protein or other starvation diets… which is only matched by the onslaught to the senses of a late night infomercial on some 10 minute workout machine… all ways the enemy tries to confuse and confound, defuse me from my goals in some kind of misdirection into some fools mission which is doomed to failure, but I digress.

So I walk into the library and go to the diet section (it’s far safer there than at the bookstore) and I see the quiet and subtle show of support left by the librarians, an act of genius. The number 613.2 area diet book I search for is in the absolute bottom shelf. I’m brought to my knees. The creak and ache of my knees as they nearly give almost makes me pass out as I plop down. It is now I am humble enough on my knees to begin to make a stand… by standing for what I think is truly right… by standing up and taking the first step .

One small step for man. One giant leap for foolsfitness. (Alan)

Scale slaves

I figured I’d set Mondays as my weigh in day. This morning After eating my breakfast and having a large coffee I decided to get on the scale. 343.75 pounds. Gee before my official start on April Fools day (hence the fools fitness name) I’m ahead of the beginning!

Then I thought, I should have weighed myself before my coffee. For fun sake later in the day I weighed myself again and dropped a pound. I’m calling it 343 averaging the two but now I ask myself… will I become a “scale slave”?

How much do these sweat pants weigh? Gee I could wear lighter ones! My watch is a heavy stainless steel one… I could take that off. What about my over shirt? What if I’m dehydrated or retaining a bit of water? Sick?

If I loose a pound is it a pound of what? Pee, sweat, clothes, fat, muscle? Maybe there is some kind of massive humidity formula I should recalculate the data with an account for wind speed and temperature too?

I’m thinking if I can put a little more weight on a barbell or walk a little faster or further that’s more tangible. But since I have no other general guide to weight loss I must yield to the to the almighty and omnipresent scales… until I figure out a way to usurp their power! Long live the revolt!!! My value is not solely a number… I am not a number! I am a man! I am fools fitness (Alan)

Sunday, March 29, 2009

War on Fat to be declared April 1st

Excerpt from Article II of the declaration:

“2) The oppression against the body and psychological warfare from such entities as advertisers who shamelessly promote items such as pizza and candy bars shall end. Be prepared for mortal combat that includes but is not limited to extreme fitness workouts and healthy eating.”

So in short, why this blog? I, like a lot of other folks struggle with some excess weight… in my case the word some is used in like “Obama spends SOME money”

At 5 foot 10 and a half and Breaking the scales at about 345 pounds (My current bathroom scale doesn’t even go that high!) I’ve decided it is my last chance to take being more fit seriously as I edge toward forty years old… I don‘t think for me it‘s going to be ever done if not NOW.

I want to do things like ride a bicycle again! If I tried now I’d crush those tires like Godzilla goes through power lines.. To sit comfortable in any chair without eyeing it like a truck driver with an oversized trailer wondering if that bridge up ahead is safe to travel over.

No longer shall I be oppressed under the regime of mega super gulp cherry slushies, down with the Dictator Corn Syrup and and his General Sloth.

My dream… my goal… I can not say it will come to pass, but 199 pounds and 8-12 percent body fat. Then learning personal training to have others join my cause in the revolution!

Why April 1st... some may say I'm a fool to try this and it's doomed to fail. But in my experience crazy people are the only people who really get anything of significance done. Plus, frankly they are more fun to be around than the soul-less minions of orthodoxy zombies.

The Part-Time Superhero currently in training- foolsfitness (Alan)