“BMI” Bike Death Jump Over A Gluten Pyramid!

So I figure with the struggles of food intake over the last couple of days I don’t want to get sick or ruin my hard work at getting more healthy. I want to improve my daily food intake, figuring in safe levels of calories, and being better at balancing my foods. I though about one of those Richard Simmons “Food Movers“. I started reading about them and apparently they evolved from his “Deal-A-Meal” thing. Then I did more digging and found out he based some of his program around what the U.S. government considers a balanced diet. So I went web surfing. (How many calories is web surfing anyway? That’s like a sport right?)
　
http://www.cnpp.usda.gov/ This is the source for much of the food pyramid stuff and what they suggest are basic dietary needs based on weight and age and activity level. Gone is the old original building blocks one, replaced with one that looks like a vertical rainbow, I think to avoid gluten rich stuff. Apparently the government can’t figure out what they are doing with diet stuff either or they wouldn’t have needed to change it in the first place!
　
Someone tell me what a “gloo ten” is anyway. Is it the improved model from a “glue nine“? I thought we were freaking out over getting enough fiber… or what was the other thing??? Oh, trans-fat. Somebody is tripping on too many fatty acids here. I lost track with the egg thing, I think they are only good if eaten in the dark on Sundays. Oh, maybe eggs are ok if they come in those little milk cartons? I knew eating the shells was a bad idea. Remember when whole milk was Ok?
　
http://www.myfoodapedia.gov/ A basic calorie counter with food exchanges. It’s not complete… I’d like to see more prepared foods (like more fast foods) on the list. I think there are better calculators out there. Maybe you can suggest one?
　
So I got deeper, pulled in by the dietary information black hole… completely lost in information overload. I am apparently 45.4 BMI at 317 pounds… they suggest a “healthy” weight range of 18.5 to 24.9 meaning 129 to 174 lbs… I figure I should sell my BMI stock when it hit’s 50 per share. They say I’m currently burning about 3764 calories a day., from
http://www.nutritiondata.com/
　
“For a good time” I suggest you go to that nutrition data website and input any food in their little calculator thing. You get readouts that look like a MRI scan, a screen that’s more complex than a fighter jet flight panel, and pretty modern art graphic paintings! Seriously, it’s down to Glycemic load and “Inflammation Factor“… Is that how all those people you hear about in weekly world news do the “spontaneous human combust” thing? The “Nutrient Balance” chart graph looks like the targeting computer display for the Death Star from Star Wars. Just imputing an “Apple” gets you over 50 kinds of choices from without skin to with skin, baby food… and that’s only page one of three! I should just get a simple food mover thingamajig. Richard Simmons sort of frightens me but as a guru of fitness and nutrition he is an icon. He can do the rumba with tacos as good as old Michael Jackson use to Moonwalk with “Beat It”!
　
That bike you see I just got. Technically it may be weird for a guy to get a girl’s bike… but there was something about the wide white walls that pulled me in. When you strip off all the stickers I think it looks far better too. It’s got two speeds… slow and stop. Clean and simple. Want to go up a hill, pedal harder and get a wind sprint or walk. Want to speed up? Pedal faster. Plus… it was very cheap. I figured after the last couple of days it will get me out and clear my head. Wind in my hair, bugs in my teeth.
　
DISCLAIMER: Foolsfitness does not officially endorse Richard Simmons, is not related to, part of, or benefiting from his empire. In fact Foolsfitness thinks with all this free advertising I just did he should now give me one of those food mover things.
　
Hey buddy, hey you… yeah you. Can you help a poor vagabond dieter down on his luck with a spare “Food Mover”?!!! - Alan