Monday, October 26, 2009

My Cereal Talks to Me and I fired a guy today

I had to fire one of my staff today. I gathered the boys, my trusted council, at the normal place… the little dog guards the door ready to tell us to run for the boarder if trouble comes. The crazy guy in the toga watches him checking in everybody… he always picks the same passwords, “Pizza pizza” Like I said he’s got some kind of brain damage. I think his grandfather was in the war.
I look around me at my booth. It looks like every one is here, Pig tails, the clown, King, That Chinese General, and Pappy Gino. My other guys too, plus my new enforcer Foolsfitness. Excuses opens up the meeting, “The Big Boss is looking at the numbers, He don’t like the returns. But I know you all did your best, we had some trouble with some situations last week. ”
The clown slams a red gloved hand on the table… “Do you know how many guys I’ve lost here? Let’s just say the numbers are supersized. For what gains? Then Foolsfitness starts making waves with our friends that we have alliances with. Clean plate club ain’t happy. You’re breaking Bubbles heart… she say you don’t want her normal soda first and now don’t even drink a lot of the stuff without the sugar in it. You don‘t like her or Candy now? Come on boss, Candy is sweet. She‘s got wonderful bars.”
Pappy Gino looks at the cup of tea in front of him and shrugs his shoulders, “Yeah, what’s with this stuff eh? Foolsfitness thinks he can walk in here and tell my boys not to do their rounds with the car? How it’s a good day for a bike ride or enjoy some fresh air. I’ll give you some fresh air, right here you little freaky looking Richard Simmons clone!” He starts to reach for a doughy breadstick.
A odd looking guy takes off a cheap tin crown and tosses it to the table. “You can’t expect me to keep things going easy for you this way. You know to keep things nice and safe, status quo level…. If I can’t keep getting burgers for my boys. They get fed and they expand the nice safe secure place here. They build the walls around us real good. Think of the castle here. Who knows what’s out there. Think of poor red pigtails, she‘s a frightened little one. We got to play it nice and safe and protect ourselves.”
“A wall barrier defense system is a sound military stragity that has worked for ages.“ A old man’s voice trembles as he rises leaning heavily on his cane, “The walls have protected us so far.”
Excuses looks sad looking around, a tear coming to his eye and he raises his hands in confusion. Before he speaks Foolsfitness literally shoves him down back in his chair. ”So you want advice from a guy who wears big red shoes and too much mascara, Some guy who thinks he’s a king… of sandwiches? A bright red haired little girl with pigtails? The only guys I think I really like here at all are the one who thinks he’s Mark Twain… at least he’s got an excuse of being older than dirt and General what’s his name from China. What if the threat isn‘t really out there. ”
A few people look around and take a hopeful sigh… but the Chinese general bows to Foolsfitness and says, ”Ah… Until you master your fear, fear will be your master.” Pappy Gino shakes his head and reaches for the bowl of fortune cookies near the General and hurls them across the room.
Foolsfitness holds up a hand. “What if the enemy is within? Is this your journal Excuses? Why haven’t you spent more time getting us to meetings when you see these chances that we could take over so many territories? Time after time you just give in? Give up? What?”
“I thought it was risky. Everyone likes it when I play it safe! No one gets hurt that way. “
“Look at these pictures.” Foolsfitness lays then out on the table for all to see. Picture after picture of what’s outside the walls. Some of the possibilities are amazing enough to literally numb the mind.
“You are getting hopes up. None of those are a given.” Excuses flails at the pictures angrily, “Do you have any idea how many resources we’d have to deploy to even think about taking over some of those territories!? You’re insane. You‘re the new guy… you ain‘t even proven yourself. You can‘t promise nothing!”
“Here’s 33 pounds of proof. It would have been a full 10 percent take off, but Boss, you see that Excuses has been skimming the take.” Foolsfitness plops down a huge bag of lard. “Trust me boss, you take this and get off some more then offer alliances to those people in the other territories and you’ll laugh at what some group like the clean plate club offers in comparison.”
The boss seems preoccupied looking at the surveillance photos and artist rendition possibilities pictures… he studies two closely and puts them in his coat pocket. “Foolsfitness take Excuses’ position at the table for a trial period and lets see what you can really do if I give you a few guys, take that psycho chuahua dog and the crazy kid in the toga and go shake some of these places down.”
***The END?… *** of course not! I want to talk to you about my cereal, it says: “Some settling may occur, sold by weight not by volume.” Someone wrote in their blog the other day that they were no longer the biggest person in the room. I’m almost certain I WILL ALWAYS BE the biggest person in the room. I don’t want to settle or be sold by weight…. I may drop some weight but my ego is huge… I will always be the biggest person in the room. I want to be sold by the weight and volume of my ego.

Take that you League of Extra Ordinary Fat Man! I’m coming, and I gots me a few guys. The new kid in town is hungry and moving in on your territories.

At Foolsfitness it’s a hoot being us… it‘s a bit like living in a comic book- Alan “the Big Boss”


  1. Great post...I was very friendly with a lot of those characters! lol

  2. That was hysterical!!! I read the whole thing to DH--he loved it. You are so creative and so funny. You will always be the biggest person in the room and I love it!!!!

    Makes me want to defeat the enemies within!

  3. Ah...I like to think of them as a bad group of friends. A motorcycle gang in leather jackets being a bad influence on me. Great post!!

    P.S...Thanks for being my first poster! I feel honored!

  4. Hey, Alan, did you know that awhile back I gave you two blog awards??? I think I wrote that post and then forgot to notify all the recepients. (All men, by the way, with one very girly award and one cat. lol)

    Volume 2 is my favorite, too. The jumping jacks I modify to low jacks, because I just can't do the jumping jacks yet. I also march when she runs. I have done that particular DVD more than all my other FIRM tapes.

    We're going to put names in a bowl and draw tomorrow night. If you don't win, and you still have a VCR, you can pick these up really cheap on Amazon.

    I agree with having people in your corner. My hubby and I were just talking last night about how very important my blog has been in my journey. The support has been tremendous, and I have really enjoyed following people who share the same struggles. I feel like I have a whole bunch of new friends, even though I'll never meet them.

  5. Oooo! That was a fabulous read. Thank you Foolsfitness. :)

  6. i absolutely loved this post, dude. Seriously, one of your best. Bye bye Excuses!

    Go you. Thank you for sharing this. Great, numbers Alan. :D I am rooting for you.

  7. as always you crack me the hell up and I need to follow bonnie's lead and send MY husband your way.

    Next thurs.

  8. Dude... seriously, you rock!


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