Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Hey, Its an Adult “Sit and Spin!”

I’m sitting in front of a tv the other night and I see the “latest” in magic machine gadgets that you will get a perfect body on in just a few minutes a day (and some “easy” payments?) The Super Duper Secret Special Key is sort of a “Sit and Spin” for adults that will get either a model’s tiny tummy or Amazon Joe’s massive six pack abs.

I love those late night infomercials. Everyone is just so happy because this will now give them “The Super Duper Secret Special Key” and make their shallow existence a whole and vibrant life of passion, excitement, adventure, and fulfillment of joy and peace will finally be reality! I seem to always look at those universal wonder fitness machines and think it’s a cross between some modern art sculpture and a medieval torture device.

OK the fools fitness needs to get on the gadget bandwagon. First consult a doctor before entering in on any fitness plan, exercise within your limitations, and wear a DOT approved helmet, knee and elbow pads, shin guards… As needed supportive hosiery, arch supported footwear, snorkeling and or scuba equipment. Eye protection is a must!

Purchase 1 pad of yellow legal sized paper. Take a sheet, crumple it up and throw it as far away from you as you can… now go pick it up and put it in the trash, repeat twenty times. Feel the burn of that aerobic activity that is working *ALL* the major muscle groups in your whole body! Wow! Now take a paper and write a note to a pal (pencil or pen sold separately) inviting them to go out with you for a walk, to the park, gym, pool, or a bicycle ride. Now clutch the pad firmly but comfortably between your hands and curl it up to your chest and over your head for three sets of 8-12 reps… don’t forget to breathe! (Why do they say that in aerobics? You won’t forget to breathe for long.) Ok, shake out those muscles… now take that pad of paper and write down your weight and everything you eat today and for a week… Add up the calories and fats, proteins, carbohydrates and compare it to the FDA food pyramid . Now after a week weigh yourself again and write that down. You can also use this amazing fitness tool to write out healthy food shopping lists, things to do in workouts, keep track of body measurements, and more!!! Order your pad of legal sized yellow paper now.

Lifting a piece of paper is a workout in fools fitness!- Alan

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

FOOLS FITNESS TIP: Skip the gym workout today!

There she was trotting along on the treadmill. One small bead of sweat ran down her temple as she eyed the machine stats with a cold stare. 19:50 she took a couple of more steps and flexed her hand slowly. I looked in amazement as the girl on the treadmill machine next to me snapped her right hand to that stop button faster than any wild west gunslinger draws his six shooter when the church bell rings at high noon. Whah happened? It was her twenty minutes… did she do a second more… I don’t think soooo..

Foolsfitness says skip the gym today. Go buy a soccer ball and kick it around the park. Break out the real bicycle if you dare. Go for a walk, a swim, or fly a kite. You might use a few muscles you haven’t in a while. You might not loathe it enough to check the second hand on your watch as you near twenty minutes. Of course use some common sense too. I felt sore after I used that soccer ball the first time. Apparently my body wasn’t used to going sideways and in bursts of speed just yet.

The point is to make it a little different and something that’s enjoyable too. Nothing huge, just one small step after another. Thus far the whole sensible thing seems to be working for me, even saying yes to pizza and ice cream, just not the whole pizza and a half gallon of ice cream in a sitting.

The scales freaked me out as I checked my weight at the office. I set it to my last weigh in, and toward the gain… adding pounds… and more… how could I have gained like 9 pounds?! Then I took a deep sigh of relief, I took off my backpack. 334.5 (I've dropped -3.5lbs since last offical checking, the weight of yet another very angry small dog!)

I think it’s time to call in some heavy hitting backup as I take this fit verses fat civil war to the next level. My prize pack to myself now might be the Conan the Barbarian movie. I want Arnold on my side. I'm going to need him when I need to cut down on the volume of food or when I want to sloth around rather than do some physical activity. I can just ask myself, "What would Conan do?!"

Remember that skipping gym workouts is just the foolsfitness way!-Alan

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Fuzzy Bunny Slippers

So I have these special magic shoes, that transport me to places just like Dorothy in the Wizard of OZ! All right, there is no special shoes. However my sneakers did hustle as I broke the 1:30 mark!!!

I’d like to thank all the little people. I guess the munchkins need their kudos, since I mentioned the Wizard of OZ. Oh, and the flying monkeys… yeah they serve Evil, but they are just following orders.

Back to my “magic shoes”. I had a goal to do 5 miles in under one hour and a half… and the final time fell to 89:02! Why, yes I do have a minute to spare sir... well, 58 seconds at least.

Then as I started my 5 minute cool down I looked at the machine… It only has a time that is in two digit numbers, so I wondered, what happens after minute 99:60? I looked at the quick start data and saw the start of a countdown. Then I knew that the treadmill machine would yield before my mightiness, and my magic shoes!!! I while struggling to keep going and turning the speed down maxed out the time, and the programmed 2 minutes cool down…

Then it just stopped. It quit before I did! I won one of my first major victories in the gym… I maxed out a machine, in time. But the civil war of fit verses fat still rages, it is only a battle among the many to come. Yet today, the victory is mine. Even amongst the food goodies at a Bible study tonight… I only had a half a whoopee pie, and stopped!

My uber prize pack to myself… a soccer ball, workout bands, and a new lock for my gym stuff. The battle is mine, the day is won.

Magic bunny slippers are just the foolsfitness way! -Alan

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Rich Creamy Butter and the Civil War

Have you gotten a forwarded e-mail claiming that margarine is “one molecule away from being plastic” and can sit at room temperature without spoiling and bugs won’t even touch it?
This is a war of disinformation. My margarine is made with vegetable oils, not fossil fuel oils that make plastic.

The big looser show stole some of fools fitness thunder when it was about to post that “they” are against you. But I’ll tell you it’s those green Martian aliens who make crop circles and steal our cows… who want us to believe that a fried fish sandwich is less calories than a burger, and that ground beef that is 20% fat means that 80% of it’s calories comes from protein. “they” (fools fitness loves conspiracy theories… and everyone knows “they” are always after “us” whomever “they” are) want you to chow down on the healthy nuts that “they” forget to tout their massive caloric densities.

Organic and “all natural“? Dirt is pretty all natural. I don’t want to eat dirt. Nor can I take eating something of the flavor and approximate texture of cardboard in the name of healthy.
I’m currently eating some sausages that are 330 calories each and 220 calories come from fat! Ouch, that’s 2/3rd fat folks. A little rich creamy butter is a good thing, it helps process some vitamins, but gee.

Weight check yesterday shows loss of about -1 ½ pounds (now about 338) attributed to some better choices in food and more exercise but now the Civil War going on within me of the fit verses the fat, now needs to ramp up to more specific food choices and portions…. After my greasy sausages and some Mac and Cheese…(honest. They are cooking right now)

A Body by Mac and Cheese is the foolsfitness way!- Alan

Thursday, April 16, 2009

5 miles and where’s my Buh-buh?

Journal of 5 miles in 1:35:16. The mental Journal of a guy who goes for his first five mile treadmill journey…

Mile 1: Who’s the man! I am a fitness God among men.

Mile 2: I’m going to need a good shower.

Mile 3.0: I’m kinda thirsty right now. At least I’m working off that pizza I ate last night.

Mile 3.5: Gee, these sneakers are kind of uncomfortable.

Mile 3.75: Water, that’s why those camels bring the bottle with them!

Mile 3:85: I’ll never mock the people with those bottles again… Note to self- I’ve got to buy a water bottle.

Mile 4: I can’t remember my name. What was my name?

Mile 4:12: How can I distract that woman on the treadmill next to me and just take one sip from her water bottle. Just one sip. Why is she looking at me like that? No! Don’t go. …Just… leave the bottle of water. Rats!!!

Mile 4.25: Hey, look at the kangaroos with little pixy wings. OOH they are singing Love shack, my favorite song!

Mile 4.5: Where am I? Who are all these people?

Mile 4.75: I can’t feel my legs. When was the last time I could feel my legs?

Mile 4.89: Must go on. Go toward the light.

How did I get home? How long have I been passed out? How’d I get this blister on my foot? Have I been abducted by aliens again? What did they do to my legs? Can just I crawl to the phone and call someone? It’s so far away.

Hallucinations are just the Foolsfitness way- Alan

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Be A Star, A Superhero!

Did you ever notice that superheroes always have a weakness? Superman has kryptonite and Hulk has his uncontrollable rage. Being a superhero is tough. Do you know the feeling of spandex riding up on you? Those capes too, always furling in the wind. Always having to go fight some super villain and save the world. Out at all hours of the night. Not spending time with the family or missing out on the day job. It’s hard to balance a whole fitness life even for us superheroes.

I’m not sure if this is a really new concept but I came upon this image in my mind as I walked the other day. In reading some blogs I see people very focused on diet (and sometimes exercise) but some seem to be missing out on developing whole fitness. Being healthy goes beyond *just* the physical element
I think people are missing out on the whole fitness if they don’t have their finances under control (or at least trying to work on them). If people aren’t trying to keep themselves mentally stimulated with a good book or learning new things they are missing a point in the star. If they are missing big picture meaning of belief in God what’s the point at all (personally I believe in Christ, but refuse to be an overt Bible thumper in this entry). If they ignore their family being obsessed with other points in the star they are also missing out. If they take no time to relax (be it hobbies or such) stress is bound to take a long term toll. If people are dealing with depression or anger and shoving those emotions aside how are they to be living a full life?

The physical is obviously part of the equation, and effects some of the other points, yet those other points effects the star too.

Foolsfitness is the part-time superhero that puts the hole in whole fitness! -Alan

Monday, April 13, 2009

Lost the Weight of a Little Angry Chihuahua

Hit the scale this morning and dropped 3.5 lbs in one week! I see those weight loss buttons on blogs but I never see anyone making them mean something beyond numbers. If someone were to loose 25 pounds that’s huge, but imagine saying they have lost a huge turkey’s weight. Moreover people who loose weight should walk around the supermarket and actually heft and walk around a bit with something of the weight they have lost… it makes it more powerful and real.

Easter has been a bit chaotic on the nutrition side, eating out once, a Easter dinner, and some fasting for Holy days. I think the choices I made are getting better… a few pieces of fruit over the deviled eggs, but the progress has been on the treadmill. I’m now a card carrying member of the Pi Club! I’m not actually sure if there is a Pi club but doing 3.14 miles (over 5k?) in under an hour (just by a hair!) makes Pi. Better than eating a pie in an hour, huh?

Treadmill 3.14 miles in just under a breath of an hour
Weight 339.5 (-3.5lbs since last week)
Doing Pi in under an hour is just the Foolsfitness way! - Alan

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Gym Species Classification Guide

I read on the antijared blog he’d nicknamed a few people he always saw at the gym. I figured I’d come up with a classification of types of species I’ve encountered.

Bobbies: Not the English policemen but girls who have their hair in a pony tail and it constantly bobs prancing along as they go through their ecliptical machine workout.

Crunch-a-holics: They take ab workout crunches to a whole new level. It’s a bit like they are in convulsions being shocked by a tazer and are in some kind of seizure. It’s even painful to watch.

Barbies: Not to be confused with bobbies, these women tend to chew gum and wear lots of pink and somewhere they usually have the word “flirt” or “spoiled” They seem to come in groups of two.

Librarians: People who read magazines, books, or watch tv as they work out.

Atlases: Guys who will never have sand kicked in their faces by a bully at the beach again. They tend to favor free weights.

Morning Shows: They seem to really chatter a lot, they do seem to have lots of energy like those morning talk show people but in the end I’m not sure if it’s a physical workout or more of a social thing for them.

“Body” boomer: Not a bobby or Barbie but is a baby boomer is looking to keep a level of fitness and general good health. They seem to exercise with moderate weights but good sound form and control.

Cheetahs: they crank up the intensity on the machine, but usually only for short burst workouts. They do their 20-30 minutes of penance then hail Mary out of there.

Zen Masters: You can see them transcend and become one with the workout and the machine. They are in the zone and somehow reach a higher level of a state of fitness being.

Wanna bes: the new to the gym person that “wants to be” more fit. It’s not a insult. Everyone is new sometime. The question is if they “wanna be” enough to gain another title above by paying the dues of sweat and effort beyond the gym membership money that just got them a right to get in the door.

Me? I was once way more fit, but now I slipped back to a “wanna be” . In time I hope to earn my "Zen Master" and "Atlas" species classification. I really hope I never turn into a “Morning show” or end up doing my ab work jittering worse than a 4 year old hopped on PEZ and orange soda.

After all, being safe in the wild outback of the gym respecting the territory of these strange and beautiful species, it's just the foolsfitness way- Alan

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

60 minutes walking 2.7 miles

I think I learned an extremely valuable lesson today that transfers from spiritual fitness to physical fitness. I went to confession today in preparation for being confirmed into the Roman Catholic Church and took away something. “It is done.” and “it is in the past” to take all that spiritual sin and set it aside and with God’s grace in his Son's sacrifice, to be forgiven and move on. Actually forgive yourself too as God forgives you.

Now on to the spiritual side of physical fitness. I pigged out on Chinese food before confession. In the past I’ve done lots of unhealthy choices, be it not exercising or eating junk food, but they are “done“. They are in the “past“. Is eating junk and being a sloth good, of course not. But it’s done and it can be in the past. Do I forgive myself and move on to more, or just more of the same? What am I going to do now? Where do I want to go? Where do I want to be? What do I wanna be?

At the gym I stared that treadmill down and said, “bring it on! What have you got?” I thrashed that machine for one full hour and logged up 2.7 miles. To an athlete it might not be a lot but where I am now that’s a very good start line. Sure my heart rate at one point was gross (pun intended but honestly 144) which is pushing up a bit in the target heart rate and that machine rang some sweat out of me!

Then I had a vision… or a delirious hallucination from the insane workout? I saw him. The future me, toned and muscled jogging along in front of me. He smiled almost telepathically telling me, “Come on. I’ll meet you up ahead” and he disappeared.

I smiled the rest of that time on the treadmill. “It is done” with each step I moved, one step closer to where I “wanna be.” The treadmill lost tonight because I wanted to be.

Being a “wanna be” is the foolsfitness way

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Big Looser Show

I’ve never been a big fan of reality tv, but my girlfriend had the reality weight loss show thing on while we played cards. I understand that these folks chose to do this but I have several struggles with the idea in general.

1) Serious health issues shouldn’t be paraded around in some spectator sport. Maybe they see it as it will motivate others or enlighten the general population of the overweight struggles? It just isn’t a game though. It’s people’s health and lives.

2) there is some serious weight drop going on in people. Is that safe at that intensity? What about risks of gallstones? If it’s all about poundage are they ignoring improvements in muscle or drops by dehydration?

3) maybe it’s just the play on words but if you’re a big loser aren’t you a winner by their rules? If you get kicked off are you a loser or more of a looser or just a looser but not the biggest loser who is actually a winner? let loose!

Speaking of being a looser, my weekly check of the almighty and powerful scale says no gain, yet maybe a half pound loss., but recheck of the scale I’ll just call it the same at 343ish. I do not want to be a loser. I think I’d like to be loose from some of my fat.

The whole health mindset seems off to me. Diets and loosing weight, it seems about taking something away or deprivation. If I had my way I’d try a new mindset paradigm where people are gaining better health and fitness.

Staying with the theme here in the last week I’ve lost some of my less healthy eating choices… or chose more nutritious and less caloric dense foods. (read granola bars over candy bars) but now I need to work on the idea that a portion size is not a box. I just hope I’m never the biggest loser. If all I want to do is drop weight in a flash I’ll chop off an arm. I want to be a big gainer. I want to gain more fitness, gain more health, and gain more peace.

Gaining, It’s the fools fitness way! -Alan

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Beyond Bunnies

I’ve really enjoyed reading people’s blogs. I’m also concerned about some folks blogs too. It seems that people can get so wrapped up in what the eat and a number on a scale that they forget that fitness is beyond a number.

Whole Fitness of course is partly eating and eating well. There is also spiritual fitness, physical fitness, and mental fitness. As Easter approaches (or anytime when someone reads this) I encourage people who read this to go visit a church. Pick up a Holy Bible and start by reading the Gospel of Mark in the New Testament. Or reread it if it’s been a while.

I love Easter eggs, bunnies, and even the occasional marshmallow peep (which by the way is about as healthy to eat as 6,000 pez in a sitting, but they taste so cool!) Easter is beyond chocolate bunnies. It’s about God’s tremendous love for us, even to suffer for us and defeat even death for us. Please along with a healthy eating plan consider a some healthy spiritual nourishment.

Also work up a mental health fitness plan. Read a book. I have a personal rule to even try to read a book a year on something I wouldn’t normally read, be it mystery or on some subject. It forces me to consider new ideas and (hopefully) expand my mind.

It seems the buzz word is all about “holistic” these last few years. Foolsfitness encourages and endorses “whole” fitness!

In fact “whole” fitness is the “official” fitness of FoolsFitness. (you ever see those odd packages like some candy is the official candy of some sport? I find that amusing and just plain silly. Like some body builder really cares about some candy bar. I think they care about the kickback money, well “whole” fitness just might “en”rich you! )

I'm Alan, the whole in foolsfitness.