Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Tazered by the Food Police

Just picture it, pulled over by a sleek hybrid police car powered by granola bars. The badged fitness officer gets out and adjusts his weight belt, his hand hovers over the can of diet soda on his side momentarily. He walks up to the car he asks me,” I saw you pull out of that Chinese Buffet place back there… is that teriyaki I smell on your breath boy?”

He asks me to step out of the car after he sees an open container of Funny Bones on the seat. I get pat down and he comes up with a fortune cookie slip that says... you go home now! all you can eat, not you eat all. He stares me down, “What’s this boy… looks like contraband?”

“I only had two small plates sir.” I reply. “And my drink was hot tea with no sugar.”

Upon a search of the car he finds a 2 liter soda and it AIN’T diet. “Ok the Funny Bones were mine sir, but I thought that soda was diet, honest.”

I’m forced to undergo a blood test for insulin and my sugar count is over the limit. In front of the judge the only guy I have to plead my case is Richard Simmons, and his only defense is looking at him with those sad puppy dog eyes and asking him if he wants a hug. Well it looks like I’m going to be doing a term of three to five at the gym… after all I am a repeat offender. They may make me wear one of those ankle things that go off if I get within 50 feet of a buffet.

I still swear today I specifically went in to get Diet soda and grabbed the wrong one. Of course to be fair I did eat Chinese food and Funny Bones. It’s a war between two people inside of me one fit and the other always ready to knock over a bank just because of the free lollypops.

Hey today a step back… but in the last week a little weight lost and thanks to Bonnie I now have another web award!!!
Now that I’m famous I want my own action figure and tin lunch box.
And remember that merchandizing is the Foolsfitness way!- Alan


  1. I love how you tell this story. You have a great way with words!

    I don't even know what Funny Bones are!

  2. Me neither. What the heck are Funny Bones?? I don't like thinking there's snacks out there that haven't introduced themselves to me personally.

    And in all honesty, I would gladly pay more taxes to fund the Fat Police because I need those suckers bad!

  3. I love Tricia's comment. She needs to move to NZ the fat police are called immigration here. You are hysterical! Your blog should be syndicated. Hope the food police have put in a good rehab program our at least a half-way house of some kind. Hey looking at your numbers on the side and you are still coming down--that's amazing! Listen--any merchandise you make, I'll buy!

  4. can you keep reminding me that those sweet lucious Funny Bones even exist??? I know just what they are and have scarfed down boxes!!! I once almost choked on a dry Devil Dog, but Funny Bones aint never done me wrong (or have they???) hehehe!!!!
    Good attitude, you had one step back big whoop. Keep moving forward, those numbers on the sidebar are going in the right direction!

  5. So so funny. You are only guilty on 1 thing - drinking DIET SODA. Might I suggest trying Zevia. Zevia is the first all natural, 0 calorie stevia sweetened soda in the world! No ASPARTAME & no Splenda. It tastes very good and its at Whole Foods. Six delicious flavors including Cola, Twist, Root Beer, Ginger Ale and Black Cherry.
    - Margaret
    PS If anyone wants to try ZEVIA to review it on their website please feel free to email me at margaret at zevia dot com.

  6. Great story!! Love the taking a blood sugar test and having to plead your case to Richard Simmons. I can see his expression as he fidgets in his seat in a sequenced shorts and tank outfit.

  7. You are a creative wizard. add that to the award shelf!
    Very nice story...loved it---Had me really laughing---that's not easy to do---I'm tough to crack---it's got to be a-list material.
    And you my friend are definitely A-LIST.

    My best always


Remember that commenting is just the foolsfitness way!