All My Food Comes in Plastic Wrappers!

I would like to explain my abhorrence to vegetables. I think it was a traumatic experience as a child. My exposure consisted of getting a plop of French Cut String Beans on my plate with dinner. Well there was mashed potatoes if you could count that as a veggie. I think in my childhood I may have consumed the total lifetime allowance of two peoples French Cut String Beans. I don’t mind them but I may never eat them or oatmeal bread (that was the only bread my father thought that was made) ever again. Ironically my grandfather was a chef.
　
I know deep down, however limited that I admit, that veggies should be your pals. My only current way of stomaching them is in drinking vegetable juice with a splash of hot sauce in it. I’ve even called my v-8 a “free” food off my daily caloric intake to convince myself to drink it.
　
Now I’d like to blame it on the fact I only have a kitchenette at my flat but it’s no excuse to explain why all my food seems to come in plastic wrappers. I have walked past the other aisles getting toward the frozen food section, so I know other food does exist. That whole fresh food aisle I am really intimidated by. The only reason I’ll skirt near it is that it’s between me and the deli counter.
　
Oh, I have another excuse… I’m a bachelor. Not only do I not like complex things to make I loath cleaning up. I have literally thrown away dishes rather than clean them and just started with new ones, multiple times. To all you other guys out there… this is a great system because you can find dishes real cheap at flea markets, yard sales, and the salvation army and goodwill thrift shops! (I know you think I try to be funny but I’m actually serious and honest about the last paragraph! Scary huh?)
　
Oh, one more feeble excuse. I’m counting calories and I can’t find the apples that have the nutrition information printed on the skin of them. I’ve got to understand portions better. They list things like “average” apple caloric information and 4 oz of some fruit. I though OZ was where Dorothy and Toto went, and don’t I want a good or exceptional apple? If I’m going to buy an apple I’m not going to settle for just an “average” one! Some woman tried to tell me a serving of meat was a deck of cards and a serving of cheese was dice… I don’t want Monty Carlo night I just want dinner.
　
I heard about Spaghetti squash. Can someone post a comment on how to prepare this stuff. I really am new to the whole veggie cooking thing. Does it taste like Ramon Noodles? I like them!
　
Oh, also how do I make a “smoothie”? Can you suggest something healthy? What goes in them? Are they like Chocolate Shakes? I like them!
　
I’m trying, honest. I do like and eat veggie burgers. Does anyone know where I can get some veggie burger seeds? I might be able to keep a couple potted plants of them on my fire escape.
　
I’m serious about leaving me any comment (they really do lift my spirits and energize me) but if you know anything about smoothies and spaghetti squash prep please share.
　
-Alan

Ronald McDonald, the Anti-Christ?

I love a good conspiracy theory and those “Weekly World News” papers that claim things like government cover-ups of the existence of flying pigs in small towns. I have been working on my own theories as to whom Ronald McDonald really is. First you’ve got a clown that likes lots of red… the color of the devil. Next, what has he got to hide with all that make-up? And the baggy clothes would be a perfect cover to conceal a forked tail!

Look at McDonalds in general. Their ads have moved from “we love to see you smile,” to Just “smile” a subtle order? The “Happy Meals”… so do we buy them to be happy? Are they the dispensers of our joy? Even the old campaign ads…”You deserve a break today” Well who are they to give me permission to take a break or not? You’ve got the Golden Arches M. Gold is the universal currency, and the M… just think how the curve like symbolic mammary representing a mother who will take care of us. You might call them fast food restaurants, but if you wanted to take over the world wouldn’t they serve as strategically placed bases in so many countries?

Back to Ronald (If that is his “real” name). He motions with is hands and magic happens. Where does that power come from? Look at the group he hangs out with. The Hamburglar obviously shows his links to organized crime. What is Grimmace anyway. Is he a genetically engineered massively strong and complacent super soldier? Tell me those fry guys don’t freak you out. Is not a stretch to think of demonic entities there?

If you’re not a believer I just have two words for you…”Special Sauce”. Don’t get me started on that! No, I would not like fries with that! No I do not want to be super sized, unless it involves muscles.

Is food really the enemy? One of the Overeaters Anonymous things is “We admitted we were powerless over food…” Really? I have yet to see a cupcake sneak up behind anyone and mug them in a dark alley. Nor have I heard of some super villain candy bar using a mind control device which emits psychic waves that can only be blocked by a strip of tin foil in the sweatband of your hat. Food just “is“… It doesn’t have will, it is not good or bad, it is just a thing. Marketers do everything they can to convince us to buy it. Yet so far I have not been force fed cookies. Now if your talking about how the food is genetically altered and chemically enhanced to make us addicted and complacent so we will pose no threat to the established order… well, that’s a theory for another time.

Tomorrow I’m considering if I want to make it a “enjoy food day” NOT a cheat day, because it’s not a failure and I’m not a victim. I can make food have power over me, or I can have power over it. I am the threat or the solution to my weight, it is not the fried chicken. The cookie was never the problem in the first place. I was.

And remember the “Special Sauce” at Foolsfitness is called sweat!-Alan

Finding Acorns

Squirrels and rodents like gerbils and hamsters tend to be among my favorite animals. I learn a lot from squirrels:

1) always put something between you and danger. It’s actually called “interpose” in chess. I like to put Twinkies between me and reality.

2) be safe, hide your acorns. I’ve found it helps to keep a few snacks around. I hide most of them in my belly.

3) Get plenty of exercise. They are always on the move to and fro… I am usually on the move to and from my fridge.

Squirrels seem to like me too. I have a few in the walls of my home. Maybe they like to hang around with a humungous nut? Actually in seriousness I do learn from them. They are diligent, maybe even obsessed with finding the next acorn. That’s the dedication I want for myself in my fitness journey.

The other day I walked home from church (about 6.1 miles) and I got called crazy by one friend and offered rides from two. At one point the person I originally went to church with going in actually came back part way on an errand and tried to offer a ride home. I didn’t care if it took me all day or that my legs and feet ached that acorn is important, CRITICAL! I walked home and paid for it in blisters. But acorn found.

Today’s weight check, in one week down 5 pounds! (Now 323.5) and a two mile walk tonight after a decent dinner…Looks like I’ve become obsessed with my nuts. I hope the squirrels are proud of me.

And remember that when you think of nuts think of Foolsfitness!- Alan

Caloric Leakage

I have a theory about how “health food” is made. You take a cookie and place it next to a piece of lettuce, by some rule of action/reaction balance the cookie looses calories while the lettuce gains them. Somewhere there is 4,000 calorie an ounce lettuce. I think the term “health food” is bizarre. I use it because at the supermarket that is how they label the aisle. What are the other aisles? “un-health food” or “anti-health food”? Apparently eating food from the magic aisle will make you healthy.

I guess that is why I nicknamed myself and my blog “Foolsfitness”, because the whole industry is just bizarre. Folks like fellow bloggers Sean Anderson and the Tony the Anti-Jared Posnanski aren’t about the magic tricks and see the foolishness behind the whole thing… It’s not rocket science to eat in decent portions for a reasonable caloric intake while getting moving a bit. (not that it isn’t a challenge sometimes)

I admit, the other day I bought some contraband. in the form of a muscle building magazine… but I got it for the articles, not the scantily clad women body builders, and for inspiration and motivation. There are literally 4 page ads for magic pills and powders. I guess these guys don’t really do any work at all, just take the elixir of health and well being and bam… superhero complete with six pack abs. If they do work out it’s nice to know its just minutes a day on a machine that is a modern art sculpture… and it takes little or no effort. There are more *whole pages* with ads than pages of articles! Hey, the ladies “health” magazines at the checkouts are no better…”Easily loose 8 pounds this week!” and look like the anorexic chick on the cover?

One of the current crazes Sean spoke about in a recent blog is “anti-oxidants” where he wonders about their magic, I wonder does that help you not rust? Isn’t oxidation rust? Or if it’s oxygen do I want anti-oxygen? If they do speak about foods it’s something about the wonders of Organic Smurf berry juice from the western shores of Sweden and it needs to be eaten every three hours and four minutes or twenty-two minutes after a workout to achieve maximum results, which are not typical anyway.

Fine, if you really want it that way go back to my blog posting “Hey, It’s an Adult Sit and Spin” Where I promote my amazing fitness exercise tool known as a “Pad of Paper!”
foolsfitness.blogspot.com/2009/04/hey-its-adult-sit-and-spin.html

But that’s not all friends… you’re going to need a diet and have I got one for you, my personal diet plan I’ve spent years designing “The Amazing PEZ Diet Plan”
foolsfitness.blogspot.com/2009/03/amazing-pez-diet-plan.html

Order now and get a free Limited edition Foolsfitness bobble head action figure and you can get another complete set for just the separate cost of additional Shipping and handling. Oh I should mention that they are NOT available in some states including the “State of Reality”… Actual results may vary.

And remember that course ground unicorn horn with pixy dust is the supplement of choice at Foolsfitness!- Alan

Heavyweight Champion Mad Mime

I get a kick out of “professional” wrestling. I love the over the top storyline and bigger than life superhero and villain characters. Just picture, “weighing in at 328 and one half pounds the *very* heavy weight champion and master of the finishing moves known as “Chinese Food” and “no portion control“. He’s had that championship belt for some time.

And introducing Foooooooools Fitness!!! His master moves at the gym make him a contender. His signature moves “the granola bar” and “spicy v-8” give him a chance, but can he strip the Mad Mime of the title?!”

This last day I dug out my old weight lifting belt from just after college days. I have not seen 40 inches in a while… a very long while. But there it sits, looking strangely like some Wrestling Championship Belt daring me on to win it back.

I was sitting on the stone wall in front of my house the other day and a pick-up truck drove by and one of the two hillbilly kids screams at me… “Repulsive!” after getting over the shock that he could actually master a three syllable word naturally part of me was rather hurt by it. Normally I really don’t mold my life around what others think (the artist rebel and all) and moreover I’m not looking to impress hillbillies or guys for certain. Maybe a hillbilly girl like Ellie May from the Beverly Hillbillies but even her… she's got some odd pets.

While I would have liked “Repulsive” said differently, and perhaps not at all… but they are just plain right. I’m thinking that “Mad Mime” the VERY heavy weight champ is the villain. He deserves a big boo and some cat calls. In short they are right. That “repulsive” guy stole my life, my health, and frankly keeps sneaking up on me to hit me with an aluminum chair. (or is it Crab Ragoons and Beef teriyaki?) His manager named “No Hope” is always ready to get me with a cheap shot.

The contender Fools Fitness has a few tricks too. One of them is finally having some tag team partners and fellow fighters to watch his back and offer support. To all who read the blog and comment I want you to realize I appreciate you got my back. I think I can fight the Mad Mime and win, if it’s a fair fight. If not maybe Richard Simmons will run in the ring and deck him with a deal-a-meal and slim fast shake.

And remember that 9 out of the 10 voices at Foolsfitness say it’s all about wanting that belt enough! -Alan

Maybe I’m Possessed?

Imagine if “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” (or is it Willy Wonka?) was run by a Personal Trainer. The umpa loompas would all look like mini-me versions of suzan powers and sing… “Stop the, stop the in-san-I-ty if you don’t you’ll weigh a half a ton you’ll see.” The Chocolate factory would be a soy burger factory, it would have a vegetable forest room, and be run by a sequin short wearing gentleman with puppy dog eyes that crys at the drop of a hat… or the ingestion of a candy bar.

Just bizarre. But my own “Charlie” inside me who ran my “chocolate factory” was no more odd. He thought all apples came with a candy or caramel coating. He would even avoid ice cream Sundays because he thought it was all some covert way to push a banana on him.

A new person came to stay a while with me today (shhh he's here now)… He’s even more odd. Maybe I’m possessed by the ghost of Charles Atlas who won’t stand getting any more sand kicked in my face… What am I building up to?

I actually stood with a kid behind the counter at McDonalds and looked over the nutrition information before choosing a Ceaser salad with grilled chicken and the lowest cal dressing there was. My only shake today was trying to shake poor eating choices. My Fries today were the focus on frying away the unneeded calories. I’m kind of frightened if this is a possession as currently there is a three quarter eaten soy burger next to me for a midnight snack. My supersizing might just point more in the direction toward Arnold than Alfred Hitchcock… at least today. Maybe being possessed isn’t so bad, at least the possessed are committed.

I stepped on the scale today and scored my biggest one week weight loss ever… 4.25 pounds, or perhaps about the weight of one of my old snacks???

Maybe I can’t find the ultimate “plan” that’s a sure thing… but I’m thinking that I’m going to run with what I got, it’s the best I have until something better comes along. What have I got to loose? Well that’s why I’m fighting… it’s also actually what I just might have to gain. We shall see.

I've always wanted to buy the candy bar with the "golden ticket" but be sure that's the one before buying it. First, if I don't buy something, I don't have a chance at the ticket. Second, that golden ticket isn't in a candy bar!

And remember that possession by cookies is just the fools fitness way- Alan

“Ours Is A Simple Faith”

Foolsfitness is proud to have a “guest” writer, Charlotte, who brings out both the best and worst in me. Her post follows:
　
Greetings, everyone! Alan and I have been terrific friends almost four years. He approached me recently and asked me if I would write a blog for him. (I wasn’t sure I would be able to do his subject of Fools Fitness justice, frankly.)
　
Alan is a very spiritual young man who attends church, prays, and meditates regularly. In one of his earliest blogs (April 15 - Be A Star! Be a Superhero!) he mentions the importance of balance among six points (of the “star”): spiritual, mental, emotional, physical, recreational and family. To know Alan is to realize his commitment to his spirituality, in particular.
　
Two of my favorite singer-songwriters are Michael Hough and David Tamulevich who perform as a folk duo, Mustard’s Retreat. Their signature song is entitled “Ours Is A Simple Faith.“ I played this song for Alan many months ago. The lyrics follow:
　
Ours in a simple faith. Life is a short embrace.
Heaven is in this place, every day…
Hope is the ground we till, make each day what you will.
Thankful for dreams fulfilled, every day.
　
There is no Hell to fear. No judgment day drawing near.
Trust that inner voice you hear, every day…
Life’s not a goal or race. It’s about heart and faith,
And living a life of grace, every day.
　
Trust is an open hand, making an honest stand.
Rooted in in the land, every day…
Live in the mystery, seeking the harmony,
Here between you and me, every day.
.....................................................................(words by David Tamulevich, copyright 2005)
　
The words are particularly powerful in concert. I’ve seen firsthand the audience pay rapt attention to David strumming his acoustic guitar and singing the lyrics with Michael. The meaning behind the lyrics is astoundingly easy - it’s all common sense, as it says in the liner notes - but how many of us practice these words on a daily basis? I can say, in all frankness, I don’t…but I try…
　
When was the last time you…
~ Held your spouse’s hand and surprised him/her with a picnic lakeside?
~ Told your eight year old son you were proud of him?
~ Surprised your five year old daughter with an ice cream cone just “because”?
~ Wrote to the director of your department explaining to him/her how your supervisor is doing a terrific job?

How many of us truly show gratitude - every day - to those we love?
How many of us truly demonstrate our appreciation and genuine love for others?
How many of us truly listen to ourselves and follow our own hearts?
　
We get so caught up in our daily lives that we forget sometimes to give to others a genuine smile, a warm hug, a comforting word.
　
Alan, this is dedicated to you because you try to demonstrate through your actions the lyrics in the song. I may not say it a lot, but I really am awe-fully grateful for our friendship. Thank you.
　
Charlotte is 37 years young, a New Hampshire resident, and when she’s not writing about song lyrics or attending Mustard Retreat concerts, she’s being her usual introverted self, reading Elizabeth George novels.