Tazered by the Food Police

Just picture it, pulled over by a sleek hybrid police car powered by granola bars. The badged fitness officer gets out and adjusts his weight belt, his hand hovers over the can of diet soda on his side momentarily. He walks up to the car he asks me,” I saw you pull out of that Chinese Buffet place back there… is that teriyaki I smell on your breath boy?”

He asks me to step out of the car after he sees an open container of Funny Bones on the seat. I get pat down and he comes up with a fortune cookie slip that says... you go home now! all you can eat, not you eat all. He stares me down, “What’s this boy… looks like contraband?”

“I only had two small plates sir.” I reply. “And my drink was hot tea with no sugar.”

Upon a search of the car he finds a 2 liter soda and it AIN’T diet. “Ok the Funny Bones were mine sir, but I thought that soda was diet, honest.”

I’m forced to undergo a blood test for insulin and my sugar count is over the limit. In front of the judge the only guy I have to plead my case is Richard Simmons, and his only defense is looking at him with those sad puppy dog eyes and asking him if he wants a hug. Well it looks like I’m going to be doing a term of three to five at the gym… after all I am a repeat offender. They may make me wear one of those ankle things that go off if I get within 50 feet of a buffet.

I still swear today I specifically went in to get Diet soda and grabbed the wrong one. Of course to be fair I did eat Chinese food and Funny Bones. It’s a war between two people inside of me one fit and the other always ready to knock over a bank just because of the free lollypops.

Hey today a step back… but in the last week a little weight lost and thanks to Bonnie I now have another web award!!!

Now that I’m famous I want my own action figure and tin lunch box.

And remember that merchandizing is the Foolsfitness way!- Alan

My food shopping adventure

Who would of thought going food shopping after work would be so popular? There were so many people. Normally my past food shopping is quite easily done at the convenience store. My old food menus was easy to follow there… they had plenty of funny bones and soda. The new food menus, well, the 24 hour store seemed to be happy having hot nachos and cheese, but limited in Boca burgers.

Anyways I’m in a rather large line waiting to checkout my newly healthy food choices at the supermarket and the woman in front of me asks her husband to go get a bag of croutons. She said she loved croutons to me. I looked at her in horror. The pressure of that zeal normally reserved only for the elite such as Mr. T and that spiky haired chick who wants us to stop the insanity welled up and burst inside me. I shuttered, “Do you have any idea of the fat content of that bag of croutons? The salt? Why would you fill your body with something that is basically toxic and has no nutritional value at all?”

She took a step back and several people turned to see the commotion. I raised my voice, ”If you had any care for your health what so ever you’d fling that bag as far away from you as possible and go home and chop up some whole grain bread, toast it in the oven with a spray of Pam and sprinkle of Mrs. Dash!” At this point the manager started walking toward us as I pointed to donuts in her cart. “Listen to that little voice that is saying please no to those fat and sugar filled pastries!” A long story short I got dragged out from the supermarket screaming, ”Please, I’ll go, just give me my box of veggie burgers!”

OK, I exaggerate. But I did see a woman ask her husband to get a bag of croutons AND I did think to myself that I could make them my way a bit better. I didn’t say anything to her. Hey, it’s her food.

What DID happen is at the office I got offered a donut from a secretary and joked, “Away with you spawn of Satan”. I actually told someone who offered me an ice cream, “Thank you, but I’ve reached my caloric intake for the day.” You should have seen the look of confusion on their faces. Actually it did sound really odd coming from me, it might be the first donut I’ve ever turned down.

What also happened yesterday is a two pound loss on the scale… after seemingly forever. Now at my lowest point (in a good way) since fools fitness began! I chalk up the loss to being more aware of choices and *volume* of food as well as getting in a bit more walking.

It was actually kind of amusing to walk away from both the box of donuts and also after looking at the vending machine at work actually to just turn around and walk away. I even decided to stop smoking. (I didn’t really smoke a lot to begin with so it isn’t like some monumental achievement here but it’s a step in a more healthy direction)

And always remember that croutons are the breakfast of choice at fools fitness! -Alan

It happened

I work in a couple of large offices. I don’t know about other places to work but I think our office is quite different. There is always a board meeting, staff meeting, someone retiring, and someone moving on to other work. Also on some Fridays or near holiday time there is the office get togethers. This all equates to free food. The buffet includes but is not limited to donuts, subs, pizza, soda, Italian and even Chinese food. There is also staff areas where people feel the need to have small bowls of those little candy bars and other home baked treats. “Try my keesh?" What is Keesh anyway? Is that some exotic recipe that has dog or monkey brains in it? I just know there are chunks of something in that I can’t identify.

Then there are the “reps”. The reps want to push some product sooooo bad they are willing to give us tons of goodies. Pens, clipboards, just about any office “swag” you can think of with their logo on it and of course samples. They also sort of bribe their way in by always getting front end staff a little something… enter more donuts, brownies, cookies, coffee, and rolls. They need boarder guards to stop the illegal immigration of undocumented guest calories into the office.

It’s kind of frightening actually. Somehow word gets out there is food in the break room and workers swarm in like locusts in devouring anything and everything in their path. I don’t know if they are like bloodhounds that are picking up on the scent or if it’s all a big conspiracy with the tech department and secret cameras to always monitor the “hot” areas. It happens even when the snack guy comes to refill the vending machine… I see the staff just on the edge of my vision circling like vultures, just waiting and watching for the right time to strike.

I actually saw someone walk into the break room today and say, ”No food? Hmm.” shrug their shoulders and leave. When they do hit the vending machine it’s like watching NASCAR… they move quickly in change in hand and draw like a wild west gunslinger pushing B7 before the change fully settles all the way down the shoot. In.. out… 15 seconds. Pray chips don’t get stuck hanging on the wire. They will stand there perplexed unable to accept the reality looking at the machine with their heads twisted like that RCA dog listening to that old record player. Then, most knowing I used to lift weights ask me to shake the machine. Of course the noise brings in more people asking, “is there food?”

So “what *it* happened” Today we had a “good-by” party for a staff member. I did take some food, but only a small little version Chinese food container, not a huge plate… or nor did I go up for seconds. Guess what, THERE IS NO FREE FOOD, sure someone else may go to the store and get it… But that food costs me, in calories, in weight, in junk… nothing is free, everything has consequences (be them good and/or bad)

I went to the store tonight with that in mind. My cart filled with granola bars instead of candy bars, V8 instead of soda, and lean meat. It happened. (YES!! *Happy dance* Giggle/snort) Now I need to make a menu happen that doesn’t involve consuming it all at once.

Oh yes, and remember “it happened” at foolsfitness!- Alan

Be Like Godzilla!

I’m pretty sure Godzilla and I have some serious similarities. The Japanese run in fear before him. The Chinese who own buffet restaurants run in fear from me. We both have the same sized waist, weight, and have a weakness for spicy food (He likes the hot sauce to the point he breaths fire!). Now the similarities don’t end there. Good ole Zilla leaves a swath of destruction pretty much where ever he goes. I too, am known to leave empty pizza cardboard carcasses, candy wrappers, and can take down a 2 liter bottle of soda almost as quick as it takes him to down some power lines, anger the Japanese military to get tanks to fire at him, and take chucks out of a couple of buildings.
　
One thing you’ve got to say about Godzilla is that he is committed. He keeps coming back time after time. The military have tanks shoot at him. He gets a serious electrolysis Epilady treatment of the power lines. Monsters treat him like he’s a pro-wrestler determined to break him in half… but he perceivers. I appreciate passion. I don’t question I have it, it’s just a need to channel it from the perseverance of eating supersized to the commitment of really eating wisely and making my gym visits more like *daily* soap operas than a *holiday* specials. Eating a croissant doesn’t make you French anymore than buying a diet soda makes you fit. It’s all about a serious commitment to show up over and over even when the monsters of “Reallyhungryman” and “Lazysusie” attack the city. Perhaps even being more like Godzilla wouldn’t be a bad thing after all?
　
Of course if I could pick someone that’s famous to be like, I think I would prefer perhaps the suave nature of James Bond or coolness of Batman. Naturally I want that whole Arnold Swartinegger Mr. Universe comparison… well at least I’m not a Barney the dinosaur. Who famous do you think you’re like… and if different who do you think you’d like to be?

After all Ancient Wisdom of Foolsfitness say… Are you going to eat that? - Alanzilla

The devil makes PB+J

5,130 calories… before bread!!! What am I talking about? Peanut butter and jelly.

Here is the break down. I just looked on the back of my jar of strawberry jam… they claim 45 servings at 50 calories a pop, that’s 2,250 calories in that jar! Who is going to make a sandwich with a tablespoon of jam in it? Maybe you can, but I can’t see 45 sandwiches in that jar. On to the peanut butter, I’m suppose to get 16 servings out of that jar at 180 calories a piece, so that jar has 2,880 calories in it. Add that to the jam at 2,250 makes a whopping 5,130 calories. I didn’t even add my bread at 70 calories a slice. I’m not fat, I’m just running a caloric budget deficit.

I know you can squeak out low calorie breads, low sugar jams, and low fat peanut butter to drop those numbers but I’m pretty sure this proves that PB+J was one of the devil’s inventions. It seemed so innocent, sort of like that apple that got Adam and Eve kicked out of paradise.

Naturally I won’t take a jar of peanut butter and a jar of jelly as a whole in a sitting, but those are some crazy numbers. Next thing I’ll find out is that Fluff or Twinkies are dangerous. Maybe I should just get donuts? Ok, maybe a just a Whopper with cheese.

Ok, enough fools fitness silliness this blog posting. I wanted to write about a blog that Bonnie (a commenter and fellow health fitness blogger) suggested I check out.

http://losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com/

I find his blog really wonderful. Not only does he post on a daily basis, but he’s keeping it real… no gimmicks or fake foods. The simple plan is 1,500 calorie intakes a day with some exercise. (of course simple but seriously disciplined, wow such an inspiration) He sees it as a caloric bank account that he can draw on each day, when the calories run out… just wait until next day. It forces him to make serious choices on how he spends them to get a good return on his caloric investments. His dedication and hard work shows… He’s dropped over 200 pounds in less than a year!!! I’m thinking he avoids my kind of sandwiches with the baseball sized plop of PB+J?

And remember that Foolsfitness is the place for PB+J -Alan

What’s Your Favorite Food?

I’ve been trying to set up a reasonable menu. Anyone who knows me can tell you I consider vegetables evil. My way of dealing with needing veggies is either drinking V-8 or having veggie subs. Perhaps part of the issue with eating well for me is I like the general cuddly and tasty nature of things like gooey Chinese food and pizza. To me the crunchy goodness of a taco outranks a rice cake, hands down.

I need to go food shopping, but I‘ve been putting it off. To me all the “good for you” food seems to taste like the smell of wet dog and much of the diet food seems to cost more too. Somehow it costs way more for fewer calories that taste worse, that is usually in a smaller package?

To make it more difficult I tend to want pre-prepped foods that naturally cost more, and are usually loaded with extras… most enough salt to preserve a whole elephant. My father was a cook and my grandfather a chef… But I would rather open up a can or stick something in the microwave. I was all excited about my spicy hot V-8, I can chug a 48oz. Bottle for like 300 calories which I think is actually reasonably tasty, then I read that the sodium intake would be over my whole days recommended intake in that alone. Of course enter the soups… the low sodium ones aren’t bad if you put enough salt in them.

I went to the Chinese Buffet the other day. It was a covert operation behind enemy lines to monitor potential…Ok, it was for gooey yumminess. Anyway there is a server guy who must have weighed 93 pounds, moreover most all the people who worked there (or owned it?) were svelte. I see one of them go on lunch break as I peered over my plate of chicken teriyaki and crab ragoons… and out of all the wonderfulness he gets a small bowl of plain rice and puts two small bits of meat on top. How can he be so skinny?! Don’t you hate those people who can eat what ever they want and be so skinny!!! The problem perhaps is eating what ever I want doesn’t consist of, in total, or even contain, a small bowl of plain rice?

There was a woman at work sitting at a table in the break room with another woman the other day, together in total they may have weighed the equivalent of a sheepdog, (puppy). She peers over some ladies magazine that claims something to the effect “Loose 20 pounds in simple, no effort changes” and speaks about how she’s on “Phase two” of her diet plan… they both nod as some kind of cryptic information has somehow been past. The whole thing freaked me out… they were like diet elite special forces, ready to whip out a rice cake at any instant.

So eventually I’ve got to go to the store, and be allured by the tasty temptress or pummeled by the diet dominatrix. Is my menu doomed to v-8 and granola bars with a spattering of Chinese Buffet supplements? Tune in next time Foolsfitness Fanatics and find out! - Alan

Party Crashing with My New Hat

Somehow I ended up gate crashing a catered party with some friends. Not only was there “free food” but a jazz band. I ate way to many little tiny foods that I figured were small enough by themselves individually to round down to no caloric intake each. They were carried about by servers on trays to tempt you, as these delectables were merely a bite each… what possible threat could they be? I think in total I may have had 247 little things.

My new hat came in handy. One of my character traits is wanting style. If I have a lighter it needs to be a Zippo. I won’t smoke a cigarette, I smoke a pipe. Lately I’ve hunted down a new fedora. Sitting next to the jazz band with a pin stripped fedora I think marked me either as one of the serious jazz aficionados or even a member of the band. No one ever asked who I was. Moreover, I was complemented on my nice hat.

There is power in a good hat. There was once a time decades ago that any respectable gentlemen wouldn’t go out without a hat. Look at magicians, one top hat goes a long way. A crown is power. The Pope himself gets an extra special hat. Even at parties from new year’s to birthdays you can have special hats. It’s a powerful symbol. We wear lots of symbolic hats in our lives.

So I’ve started a change at the top of my head with this new hat. Isn’t that where many good changes start, at the top of the head? Image and style have some weight, but so do eating dozens of little kabob thingies. Those tiny foods were strangely surreal… a bit like little dollhouse food dishes. They were given much respect, each came with it’s own napkin.

Now tonight as all those odd little bites of various foods repeat on me in some tiny food frenzy hangover I reflect on the image of my new hat. It covers my head but it really doesn’t change it other than offering “hat hair”. I’m both weighted down and feeling rather shallow. Does one show off a new hat or cover up with one?

In the end it’s not about the tiny foods or the hat, but what is under that hat count. Food feeds, or perhaps can sedate somewhat but isn’t in itself the whole question or answer… part of it for sure, but not in whole. Even in little tiny foods...

And remember that tiny foods can frighten you at foolsfitness.-Alan